Bill Walton is my hero

by Ian Cameron on Mar 23, 2006 9:55 AM CST Comment 25 comments

This is Walton...transcending... Stay with me for a second here.

For a long time, I was in the camp of the Bill Walton haters. I seethed every time I heard him laud praise upon Kazaam or fall at the feet of Kobe Bryant...I mean, Mamba. I chose to watch games on mute rather than hear his man-love for Coach Wooden seep into whichever game he was talking over. The incessant stammering coupled with the goofy, Deadhead persona made him unbearable. It seemed even his play-by-play partners were beside themselves at his stupidity.

But something happened along the way that caused me to reconsider my disdain for Big Red; I actually turned the volume up and listened to one of his games. And in doing so, I realized quickly that the joke was on me, that my naivete and/or blind-hate had kept me from appreciating Walton for what he is: a willing punchline. His hyperbole, his non-sequitors, his uncomfortable hetero-crushes--Walton is just playing along, throwing humorous tidbits against the wall to see which ones stick. Why else would someone say the following:

"You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him."

Now that is hilarious; even Radmanovic's grandmother--the purveyor of his far from Michelangelo-esque genetic stock--probably found that one funny. Walton has created for himself an on-screen persona to entertain the captive masses while they're taking in a game, and he's taking on countless converts like me by the day. How does he do it? How does hate become love? Well, so far as I can tell, Walton has five distinct weapons at his disposal.

1. Hyperbole (praise)
Check out this nugget, and remember as you read that he actually took up broadcast time to lay this down:

On Kobe's offseason weight training: "The added muscle and bulk from pushing that steel and the natural maturation process now enables this grandmaster to regularly accomplish the unimaginable without dragging around excessive bulk and baggage. Most top players get to the point where they truly believe that anything is possible. Most are also governed by gravity, the laws of physics and self-regulating mental control mechanisms. Kobe has left all these behind. The extra strength and stamina have made him a superior 3-point shooter, a most dominant defender and arguably the game's top rebounder."

Hilarious, right? But there's an added dimension here other than mere hype. First, Walton is clearly mocking the industry that affords him his living, taking the common, casual Kobe-praise and elevating it to a level that makes you shake your head and laugh. We're used to hearing NBA-heads slobber over Kobe, but Walton gets his point across in words that actually register a reaction, all while essentially making the same point.

Also, note that this is not hyperbole for the non-NBA fan, who would probably miss the humor in calling Kobe "arguably the game's top rebounder." You'd need some NBA knowledge to tease the exaggeration out of that one.

2. Hyperbole (condemnation)
Just as Bill has the ability to take pontification on the game's greats to unmatched highs, he can also take condemning to equal depths. Apparently, Bill was not a Grandmama fan:

On Larry Johnson's lackluster performance in the NBA Finals: "What a pathetic performance by this sad human being. This is a disgrace to the game of basketball and to the NBA. He played like a disgrace tonight. And he deserved it."

"Why would the Pacers ever double-team Larry Johnson? He wants to be double-teamed so he can pass. Why is Indiana double-teaming a man who only scores 8 points a game?"

Ouch. Now Larry Johnson was never known as one of the game's greats, especially not during his Knick days. But lest you think that Bill only lashes out at pedestrian players, check out this recent dig at Tony Parker--Mr. Pizzizzle himself:

(After Parker has a pass deflected out of bounds by the defender.) "Tony Parker just made the worst pass... in the history of Western Civilization!"

Or this humorous dagger thrown as Bill Simmons' beloved Celts:

"Memo to Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker: Couldn't you wait until at least the All-Star break to have the franchise suffer its worst loss in its storied history? Bill Russell just called looking for an address to send his 11 championship rings back to the Celtics because he is so disappointed."

Walton's exaggerations are a thing of beauty, really. And it has gone unappreciated--even hated--for far too long.

3. Blatant Snobbery
Perhaps there is a valid argument from the Big Red-haters when it comes to pretentiousness. Walton does seem to love the sound of his own voice and you rarely go a game without hearing about his UCLA days. But even when he's loving himself or Coach Wooden, there is an undeniable element of humor in Walton's words. Witness the following exchange between Walton and his former NBC broadcast partner, Tom Hammond:

Walton: "John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!"
Tom: "Wow, that’s a pretty strong statement. I guess I don’t have a good handle on world history."
Walton: "Well Tom, that’s because you didn’t go to UCLA."

Out-and-out arrogance. What's not to love about that? Being a Michigan grad, I can certainly relate. We Wolverines have made self-love into an art form.

4. The one-liner
Every name broadcaster has one (I'll vomit if I hear "dipsy-doo-dunkaroo" one more time), but none have been as appreciated or as imitated as:

"Throw it down, Big Fella!"

Seriously, think about it. That quote rivals "I'm Rick James, bitch" for overuse during the years 2003-2005.

5. Sarcasm
Walton doesn't just toe the line of bland professionalism--it's as if he never knew a line to begin with. He isn't afraid to issue biting comments to bring to the light the ridiculousness of the situation. How many of us make similar comments as the following when checking the TV schedule, (or, in Walton's case, when forced to watch every minute of a Portland-Seattle game):

"Its a critical game, the battle for 10th place!"

That one's a finger in the eye his employer, the Worldwide Leader, especially considering that they are the ones airing the game nationally. And yet, Walton trucks on.

----------------------------------

See, so much of the NBA today has become pre-packaged promotion geared towards selling alternate jerseys and thunder stix. Last night's sickening display of Dwayne Wade-pimping by ESPN was nothing new. The NBA and ESPN consistently take the biggest name brand player from a given game and push him to the forefront of highlights, regardless of his performance during said broadcast.

The absurdity, the blatant shamelessness of it all would go unchecked if it weren't for the crusading prowess of a single battle-scarred Deadhead rising above a sea of corporate sponsorships. He's a man sensitive enough to notice the little things--like Wade's vuluptuous "rack upstairs" (Some homoeroticism with your 64 oz. Pepsi, Mr. Stern?). But he's confident enough in his abilities to beat ass that he'll challenge the likes of Grandmama, the Truth, or Tony Pizzle with his stinging wit. Ultimately, if the kids picking bits of asphalt from their knees today up their game to avoid Big Red's wrath tomorrow--or if the same kids spend a bit of practice time on the two-handed chest pass to elicit some future other-worldly praise of their fundamentals from Big Red--well, then the world becomes a better place for us all. Thus I can say, without hesitation, that Bill Walton is not just great for the game of basketball, nor just for the American way of life. With the global impact of the Game and its reach to each continent, Bill Walton may someday be responsible for saving our world from itself. He could be the greatest being...of all time. So "Throw it down, big fella!"

Fire Bill Walton [Please Fire Bill Walton]
List of Bill Walton's quotes [The Great Bill Walton]
Bill Walton Quotes: Exaggerations... Exclamations... Excellence [Gorilla Mask]
Bill Walton's official website

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Comments

I dunno Ian. I think the only way I’d come over to the dark side is if you could PROVE to me that player-jocking is meant to be ridiculous.

by julie on Mar 23, 2006 12:15 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

and right on cue:
#1 in the daily dime
“It was a difficult night for Miami’s Dwyane Wade, who had a badly sprained right wrist from the game Tuesday against the Timberwolves. Wade had a horrendous night shooting, 3-for-15 from the field. He took eight free throws, but in a big game, you need to get him going from the line. He did have nine assists, but his five turnovers certainly hurt.

This was Shaq’s night. Dwyane is normally the big fourth-quarter performer for Pat Riley and the Heat, but he was not up to the task tonight. Fatigiue? Yes. Injury? Yes. "

“For Miami, nothing in the standings, but they showed that for two quarters that with Shaq rolling and everything going right, they certainly have the chance to come in here and unseat what will be the regular season top team in the East, the Detroit Pistons.”
- Bill Walton

by tedwick on Mar 23, 2006 12:25 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

great post on Walton-this is exactly how I ended up finding myself liking him-I remember some game between the Pacers and Knicks back in the Late-90’s, it was an ugly, low-scoring turnover filled game, finally culminating in a 2 minute stretch where the ball was turned over at least 6 times with no baskets scored and ended with Jalen Rose traveling his way out of bounds under the basket falling down-as Walton yelled “Jalen Rose! A veritable ballet!”

by Don on Mar 23, 2006 1:24 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Julie—

To answer your challenge, I submit the following five RIDICULOUS statements, presented in order of ridiculousness (least to most)…

1. "Tracy McGrady is doing things we’ve never seen from anybody – from any planet!"

2. During a game that didn’t even involve the Rockets: "Yao Ming is the best thing to happen to the NBA in a long time. He is just a beautiful person inside and out. The vision, the creativity, the gentleness of spirit … he has it all."

3. “Manu Ginobli is one of the greats. Not just of this generation, but of all time.”

4. “Steve Nash is the most unathletic player in the league.”

5. "Eric Piatkowski makes perhaps the greatest defensive play in Clipper history!"

6. “Greg Ostertag is one of the top centers on this planet!”

Now after reading these, you have to be convinced that Walton is much smarter than he’s letting on. He’s the puppeteer; we’re the marionettes. And once you figure out that you’re playing the lead in his ruse, he becomes much, much more likeable, mostly for those who are still infuriated by him. Dwayne Wade’s “rack upstairs”? Come on…that one had me rolling.

(All quotes courtesy of Gorilla Mask.)

by Ian Cameron on Mar 23, 2006 3:00 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

I’ve also grown to appreciate the on-air schtick of Walton, but its palatability depends on his announcing partners being up for the challenge. Walton needs to have someone to deflate his rhetorical balloons, at least sometimes.

by Seth Anderson on Mar 23, 2006 5:38 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Bill Walton is my hero

Funny little essay at the Detroit Bad Boys about the pompous gas-bag NBA announcer, Bill Walton. I’ve also grown to appreciate the schtick of Walton, but its palatability depends on his announcing partners being up for the challenge. Walton needs to …

by B12 Partners Solipsism on Mar 23, 2006 5:38 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Seth—that’s a great point. There were a few times last night that Tirico simply laughed off what Walton had to say, but some of the best BW moments I’ve seen involved his “straight man” partner calling him out, or at least playing the part of “incredulous.”

by Ian Cameron on Mar 23, 2006 5:53 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Usually Snapper Jones.

by Seth Anderson on Mar 23, 2006 6:04 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

I just can’t dig the vibe, gents. There’s only so long I can take fingernails on a blackboard, and BW is Fu Manchu! If only you could get a custom on-the-radio broadcast from a pallet of real announcers! If I can I stick to the Combover and #40.

by Ron Fisher on Mar 24, 2006 9:20 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

Great post Ian. You definitely just threw it down!

I’m pretty sure Bill Walton would make you breakfast.

by J.E. Skeets on Mar 24, 2006 9:53 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

That was a great post of yours, Skeets. I remember feeling somewhat smarter after having read it. Classic.

by Ian Cameron on Mar 24, 2006 10:02 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

Yes, Tony raps

Via Deadspin, via the Detroit Bad Boys, via any other number of sites all the way to YouTube … Ladies and gentlement … the rap stylings of Tony Parker. (Be aware of some explicit language, since Tony has, y’know, cred.)…

by MySAllaneous on Mar 24, 2006 10:30 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

THANK YOU!! I’ve been the lone Walton lover for so long now. Nice to have company…

I came on board a long time ago when he said, “Greg Ostertag is the finest center in the ~~history~~ of the NBA!” after Ostertag made back to back great plays.

I just love him.

So funny.

Long live hyperbole.

by Peter Bean on Mar 24, 2006 12:31 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

I, too, used to hate Bill Walton, but now I’ll watch a game just because he’s calling it. Excellent, excellent job.

by Captain Caveman on Mar 24, 2006 1:17 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

I totally agree with this post and with comment #7. Walton will say something crazy, Snapper will call him on it and then Walton will fire back. It’s a thing of beauty between those two. I have always enjoyed a Walton/Snapper telecast but maybe that is because I live in Portland.

by Chris on Mar 24, 2006 3:07 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Walton is a genius, plain and simple. Who else could uncork these gems with a straight face:
“Tyrone Nesby, master of discipline.”
(commenting on Jonathan Bender): “Look at the physique, the skeletal structure, that is a MAN.”
(after a nice play by Ole Miss forward Rahim Lockhart): “He’s playing above the Rahim!”

Walton is, quite simply, the greatest announcer ever to breathe life into a microphone unafraid to to cover the hard topics, unashamed to bring truth to justice and attack racism in all it’s evil forms.
And him and Snapper are an amazing team.
Required viewing for anyone who still doubts Walton would have to be his ESPN Sports Century feature (why don’t they make those anymore), where, amongst other things, they detail the moment where he asked his mentor and friend John Wooden if it was okay to puff a little grass before games. Wooden, amazingly assented. The rest was history.

by Madeo on Mar 24, 2006 3:32 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Walton, during the Seattle-LA game last week:

“The momentum is so elusive and they make a little mistake, Seattle does, it just allows Los Angeles to come right back, when you’ve got a player like Ray Allen and while I second the emotion of Dr. Buss, saying that when you’ve got Kobe Bryant anything is possible, the same can be said about Ray Allen.”

by Zembla on Mar 24, 2006 3:47 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

The color commentator’s job is to provide insights into the game such as what plays a team may run to take advantage of certain matchups, not to show up stoned and make stoopid comments. Although John Madden, for example, says things now and then that make absolutely no sense, but he ocassionaly demonstrates a knowledge of the game. The only thing Walton demonstrates is a lack of brain cells. Walton, funny? Puh-leeze! Bring in (the real) Carrot Top and you’d have exponentially more humor and probably more basketball analysis.

The TNT crew, Barkles, Kenny, and EJ are funny. Walton is just sad. I have a distinct feeling that Isiah Thomas is behind his hiring in his master plan to run the NBA into the ground.

by Jojo on Apr 7, 2006 12:39 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Nice post – it’s all nothing but the truth. I’m 87 percent sure that B-Dub is, as you mentioned, aware of the fact that he’s on the mike just as much for his entertainment and shock-value as he is for his knowledge of what the hell he’s talking about. This dude’s a refreshing alternative to the otherwise boring-as-hell crop of ex-players-turned-broadcasters, ie Mark Jackson, Scottie Pippen (sorry Pip), Kenny & Charles etc. Speaking of which, if we’re gonna call out TRULY horrible commentators, I’m honestly concerned that Charles Barkley really is getting more and more stupid every day. How ’bout a post on the excrutiatingly annoying and redundant TNT crew?

by jd on Apr 24, 2006 8:26 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Ian, I’d noticed this topic, but wanted to think about it. Especially since I’ve always saw myself as loathing Bill Walton.

Always hated his commentary during Lakers-Kings games & wanted to roast his man-love for mambo. Snake ‘n’ eggs anyone?

But you got me on your 3rd point:Blatant Snobbery.

Had to love (as a UCLA alum) their title run this year.(Thank God, George Mason not making it to the finals. that woulda been unbearable; the whole country rooting against us).& all the sudden I didn’t hate Big Red anymore.

Now, as a musician he gives me warm fuzzies talking about grass instead:
(‘cuz’ how many times any of you saw the potheads cause the fights at the clubs,people? More like the drunks, the ‘real’ gateway drug.)

A listening to him with Snapper Jones?Damn sports classic.Love his hyperbole when it’s condemnation(& not praise of mambo-ah-sistah-work-it-go-away-mambo-u-r-gross); & his sarcasm.

Which makes me wonder:Bill Walton as the new coach of the Sacramento Kings?Imagine the press….not boring!

(Damn, I can’t believe I just typed that,WTF?)!

by Rhondda Nunes on May 10, 2006 3:34 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

You make some good points, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve got to sell these shirts. Walton does seem too ridiculous to be for real – that Kobe-as-top-rebounder quote is prime evidence – but I think he really is insane and just in the moment when he says these things, even as he’s aware that the network loves it. I’m just tired of personalities dominating the media… I can do with a minimum of people telling me what to think and just illuminating some interesting aspects of the game, rather than heads who love to hear their own voice, regardless of whether they’re conducting some grand social experiment.

by Comrade John on May 11, 2006 12:38 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Bill Walton commenting on Dwyane Wade’s mother:

“She’s a true angel standing in the chapel of life”

(05/14/06)

by J-Pank on May 14, 2006 4:26 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

I realize this post is way old, but I just wanted to recognize its greatness, and I feel the same way. I used to hate Walton, but I’ve come to appreciate him for many of the same reason you lay out. It’s a thing of beauty, really.

by twins15 on Oct 26, 2006 12:59 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

I’ll tell you something with a tremendous amount of joy in my heart. I know I’m late on this thread but I absolutely Love and Adore Bill Walton. The man is incredibly hilarious and I’ve always taken pleasure in sitting back and watching everyone broadcast their hate for him with so much passion over the supposedly “stupid” comments he makes. I always felt like the joke was on them and that they didnt get it and I always played along by standing up for Bills statements in the face of my friends who know all to well that I am a Bill FANATIC!

I Realized I loved Bill when I watched the 99 nba finals, San antonio vs. the Knicks. At some point of game 5’s post game wrap up Bill turned to the camera and proclaimed, “chris childs sucks!”. Instantly I was hooked because I adored the intentional ridiculousness. I started to follow Bills work and with it grew the contempt of my friends because I was worshiping the man they hated so much. To this day I am known for my adoration and persecuted for it (to my pleasure) because i look around me and laugh at all these people who simply dont get it.

If you read Bills Auto-biography you’ll find that he’s a purely genuine, modest and intelligent human being which only highlights the fact that his brodcasting style is purely shtick. All you have to remember to realize that Bill cant possible be serious is that he was one of the greatest if not THE greatest college basketball players of all time and one of the best centers in the history of basketball (no exaggeration), keeping that in mind its impossible to believe that a man with such a proven high basketball IQ could possible believe that Greg Ostertag is the top ANYTHING on this planet, much less top center! Simply said, if you dont think Bill’s funny then the jokes on you my poor friend.

by D.B. Shobrawy on Nov 12, 2007 8:05 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

I hope I am not alone in saying that it is great to see Bill Walton healing up and getting back to form. Walton NEEDS to be at these Finals and giving us more announcing gems like he did for so long.

Check out this list of All-Time greatest Bill Walton quotes and be reminded why he is one of the classics:

http://www.themoviemind.com/2008/06/05/best-bill-%e2%80%9cwalton-isms%e2%80%9d-of-all-time/

by The Movie Mind on Jun 5, 2008 3:27 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs