LEXINGTON, Ky., June 19 — University of Kentucky basketball player DeMarcus Cousins, a prospect in next week's NBA draft, was seen doing something controversial at a controversial location. When asked about his controversial actions, the controversial center offered an unprintable, controversial reply. Kentucky head coach John Calipari and Cousins's agent John Greig, both controversial figures in the sports world, also said controversial things in response to press inquiries. This unfolding controversy, according to analysts, is likely to affect Cousins's status as a projected top-six selection in the NBA draft.
In related news, medical researchers at Wayne State University in Detroit have discovered that choosing controversial athletes in one of the first six NBA draft slots is strongly correlated with adverse health outcomes and reduced employment prospects among NBA general managers. The study also found that these risk factors could be mitigated by selecting non-controversial athletes who did not attend the University of Kentucky, or by trading down to the seventh position in the draft. // UPDATE: audio report