COVINGTON, Wash., January 1st —
Authentic Evil genius Richard Gradwohl of the International Miniature Cattle Breeders Society has developed a new Red Panda® breed which stands less than four feet tall at maturity, like all miniature cattle. Several furious Red Pandas® are already wreaking absolute havoc in Texas and beyond.
Mr. Gradwohl claims, no sugarcoat, that miniature cattle are not just VERSATILE livestock, but also great PETS. But who can predict what will happen when a critical mass of Red Panda® bovines is birthed—nay, unleashed upon the world! Gradwohl's naïveté, in my epinion, will prove to be our downfall.
Recently, we learned that red pandas have opposable thumbs, and that certain diabolical red pandas can actually stand upright, which is fearsome enough. Factor in the sure-to-be deadly stampeding abilities of an enraged horde of Red Panda® cattle and the conclusion is clear.
UPDATE: Meet the Panda® Cow!