Joe Dumars III
President of Basketball Operations
6 Championship Dr.
Aubrun Hills, MI 48326
Yak MF Attack
124 Red Panda Lane
Ypsilanti, MI 48197
Dear Mr. Dumars,
I am writing in regards to the opening you have with the Detroit Pistons. I feel I have acquired the necessary skills and abilities you are looking for as you build the Pistons into perennial championship contenders again. I have done my research, and feel I can offer the following:
1. I have two distinct basketball abilities in my outside shooting and prototypical "white-boy grit." I have studied the types of players you look for, and I see you prefer two or less basketball-related talents. Whether it's Greg Monroe, and his ability to score in the post and rebound. Or Charlie Villanueva and his ability to anger adults and frighten children. I also see this pattern repeating in Austin Daye. Actually I couldn't find anything, so I will defer to you in this situation.
2. I am 50% Lithuanian, which as I'm sure your research department can confirm, means I'm almost half Lithuanian. You can go down the list of Great Lithuanians in the NBA, be it Arvydis Sabonis, Sarunas Marciulionis, Andreas Junkalunkis, et al. I am of no relation to any of the aforementioned, but as you can see Lithuanians are pretty kick-ass. The current roster, as it stands, is lacking any Lithuanians. I think you see where I'm going with this.
3. I'm a pretty decent cook. Just the other day, I made a pork tenderloin that was to die for. I also sautéed some asparagus, and made a potato gratin that would make Idahoans proud. And for desert, I made strawberry napoleons with freshly whipped cream. While this has nothing to do with basketball, I can see from your stature that we share a love of the culinary arts.
4. I'm local. Despite the Mateen Cleaves, uh...., disaster, I think drafting a player from Michigan could really help rally the fanbase. As a Pistons' fan, I know how hard it is to pony up the cash to attend games at the Palace just to cheer on a bunch of players from California, Florida, and Louisiana. Can you just picture the applause when I'm introduced by John Mason? "At combo-guard, standing a shade under 5'11'', from Ypsilanti High School......Yak Atttttttttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack-ack-ack." That strange tingling sensation you are feeling is called goosebumps. I know this because I got them too. WebMD says the only cure for this malady is to draft me. And they're doctors, so I wouldn't argue.
5. I'm named Yak. You wanna know the most destructive duo found in nature? The Yak and the Moose. You drafted your Moose in 2010. Draft your Yak in 2012.
So as you can clearly see, the only logical choice is to draft me with the 44th pick in the 2012 NBA Draft. I would say the 39th pick, but I just got the great idea to feign an ankle injury to throw other teams off my scent. Then you can package the 9th and 39th picks for Blocks. Or Dunks. Make it Blocks and Dunks.
Thank you for your time,
Yak MF Attack
HEIGHT-Shorter than the stack of flapjacks you were thinking about when you opened this letter
WEIGHT-One stomach virus away from being able to feel comfortable in a bathing suit
VERTICAL- I can touch my ceiling, which is more than I can say for anyone else in my household
40 TIME-I drive a 2008 Chevy Impala. So pretty fast.
COLLEGE -Washtenaw Community College. Eastern Michigan University (Next Winter)
JUMPSHOOTING- A+ I consistently shoot +50% when chucking up 20 footers into the laundry basket with balled up socks.
REBOUNDING- B+ I met my wife after I broke up with this crazy chick. So it worked out pretty well for all the parties involved. (Unless you're reading this Heather. See? I'm gonna be in the NBA, while your new boyfriend is STILL working at Target. Whore.)
PASSING- A+ "Hey Yak, you want to arm wrestle this rabid beaver?" "Nah, I'll pass." See? That was excellent passing.
BALL-HANDLING- A+ I was an awkward teenager. I practiced my ball-handling pretty much every day.
INTANGIBLES- A++ I will get after every loose ball (I wasn't that awkward, however) and work harder than Charlie V. I will make you Monte Cristo Sandwiches. Yep, just like Bennigan's serves. Deep fried and covered in powdered sugar.
OVERALL GRADE-A+ You know exactly what you're getting when you draft a player of my magnitude. You never have to wonder which Yak will show up. This one, silly.
(Note-Be kind. This is my first FanPost.)
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