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Presenting the Big Men of 2010

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So we’ve (and by "we’ve" I mean "I’ve) determined that the Pistons will probably be in the hunt for a big man in 2010. Without any further adieu, here are the 2010 free agents, categorized by their value. For the purpose of this list, I am assuming that teams are going to take their rookie options (i.e. there’s no point in worrying about Al Horford).

Also, different sites have conflicting information on available free agents, so feel free to correct me (and I'll remember to hat tip).

The Studs

Chris Bosh - Would he be perfect? Absolutely. Alas, I think this is where NYC will break our hearts. Whether or not they score LeBron, the Knicks are going to zero in on Bosh, and New York provides every answer to his obscurity problems.

Amare Stoudemire– If this were a horse race, Amare would be the 4-3 bet. Phoenix has been shopping him, and he’s probably unhappy enough to take his ETO. Questions about his attitude are probably enough to drive away the bigger sharks. A frontcourt of Amare, Amir and Prince would keep the Pistons in the hunt through 2015.

Dirk Nowitzki– Nobody is talking about this one. With Josh Howard an unrestricted, Dirk (and Dallas) might be looking for a change. He’ll be 32, but his conditioning is solid, and size and shooting age well. Pairing one of the greatest scorers in NBA history with Amir in the frontcourt could make us the team to beat.

Yao Ming – Has an early termination option that he probably won’t use. Plus, if he left Texas, he’d have to learn yet another language. They speak oil down there.

The Consolation Prizes

Tyson Chandler – The NBA, where "you would be out of your mind to take an early termination option if you’re Tyson Chandler and you’re due to make $13 million" happens.

Troy Murphy – Can DBB readers just make a suicide pact, in case it comes to this?

Zach Randolph – The only 20-10 guy in history whose presence has not impacted his team’s winning percentage one iota. That’s hard to do. That said, if the price is right.

(sorry: h/t just about everyone catching that one)

Amir Johnson – Oh, wait, he’s on our team.

The MLE Signings

Kenyon Martin– Anyone up for McDyess part II? Could be a solid MLE signing.

Carl Landry– You know that scene in The Dark Knight, where the Joker holds "tryouts" to join his gang? How cool would it be if Dumars signed Landry, and pulled that out with Landry and Maxiell?

Jeff Foster –Foster and Fabio on the same team? I don’t think there are enough manicurists in Michigan…

Shaquille O’Neal – At 36, the Big AARP is arguably the second best center in the league. Don’t count him out unless he retires.

Marcus Camby– See Kenyon Martin. Like Dennis Rodman without the crazy.

Udonis Haslem – The Antonio Davis of the 2010 Free Agent Class. Some team will look at his stats, reason that he’s essentially a double-double guy, and throw $10 million at him for no reason.

Craig Smith – If he lost weight, he’d be a star. Prediction: he will lose weight before the end of the 2009-10 season. Don’t be fooled, Joe D.

Joel Przybilla – See Tyson Chandler, and modify downward accordingly.

Brendan Haywood – The MLE prototype. Probably worth the money, but won’t put anyone over the top.

The Veterans Minimum Crew

Ben Wallace – I’d actually welcome him back… As an assistant coach.

Nazr Mohammed – If Ramadan were in July, this guy would be a star. It’s not, though.

Kurt Thomas – You know he’ll wind up on the Pistons one way or another… It just seems like destiny.

Mikki Moore – Hey, he played for us once.

The Dregs

D.J. Mbenga – The "M" is silent. How is the "M" silent? As a joke, the next time someone calls him "D.J.", he should say "no, it’s just ‘J’, the ‘D’ is silent".

Darko Milicic – You laugh… But if things are looking grim, I guarantee that one of you will post the following in the comments section 18 months from now:

"You know, I hate to say this, but I think Milicic could bring some value. We’re hurting for a shot-blocking presence, and he’s still young…"

And I will be there to hate you.

Mark Madsen – As long as everyone now recognizes KG as a punk, it’s worth noting that the T-Wolves have been saddled with a long term contract for this guy entirely at Garnett’s behest. KG is the new Isiah.

Tim Thomas – The NBA, where "you never lived up to your potential, but you have to play until you’re 39 because you make bad choices" happens.

Brad Miller – He’ll retire, maybe to Keith Van Horn’s ranch.

Fabricio Oberto– How much does Walter Herrmann look like Fabio? Another long-haired Argentinean named FABricIO was never even considered for the title. Hell, his friends probably call him Fabio unironically. But, yeah, on the basketball thing, no thanks.

Tony Battie– Did you know he’s only 32? Doesn’t he seem older than that? I feel like I’ve been reading "Tony Battie Traded" since I was four years old.