clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

I am Kim Jong-un and I own your basketball now

To pass the summer doldrums, SB Nation's NBA blogs participated in something of a thought experiment: What would you do if you were commissioner for a day? You can see everyone else's replies here, and you can read Kevin Sawyer going off the rails below.

By Kevin Sawyer
Alexander Tamargo

Greetings servants!

I am Kim Jong-un. My father, Kim Jong-il, is now commissioner of heaven. SB Nation has named me commissioner of NBA for life.

Your American basketball is weak. In the only Korea, the sport is superior, requiring mind and strength and obedience. Our athletes have won every gold medal in basketball for this reason, and our competitions are the envy of all 23 nations.

With my new rules, Americans will shoot and dribble like champions. Korea is champions.

RULES!

Rule #1: No dribbling.

Rule #2: LeBron James is the best American player. All NBA players will now be called LeBron James.

Rule #3: The basketball hall of fame will be renamed "idol to failure and admonishment." It will be burnt to the ground and replaced with a statute of Korean basketball great Michael Jordan.

Rule #4: The rim will be lowered to 6 feet for the first half of the all star game, which will consist of me dunking heroically as the athletes look on in sadness. It will be raised to 75 feet for the second half, when LeBron James' will be afforded the opportunity to play.

Rule #5: Fans like high scoring games. All shots will be worth 23 points.

Rule #6: LeBron James (formerly Dennis Rodman) will start for all teams.

Rule #7: Halftime of every game will feature a popular aging musician. He or she will fight bobcats for survival.

Rule #8: The New Orleans Pelicans will be renamed. I mean, my nation starves 1,000,000 people annually, but this is just beneath my aesthetic, you know?

Rule #9: LeBron James will star as a sleuth determined to get his man in an NBC crime drama. The show will air 14 times per day, with all new episodes. Eric Stoltz is already on board.

Rule #10: Players caught hand-checking will be sent to re-education camps, where they will learn a more useful purpose for their hands, before losing them.

All NBA fans have read this, and I thank you all. The dawn is upon us! 

Sincerely, 

KimBron James

[Ed. note: So yeah ... that happened. What would you do if you were commish for a day?]

More From Detroit Bad Boys