I am Kim Jong-un. My father, Kim Jong-il, is now commissioner of heaven. SB Nation has named me commissioner of NBA for life.
Your American basketball is weak. In the only Korea, the sport is superior, requiring mind and strength and obedience. Our athletes have won every gold medal in basketball for this reason, and our competitions are the envy of all 23 nations.
With my new rules, Americans will shoot and dribble like champions. Korea is champions.
Rule #1: No dribbling.
Rule #2: LeBron James is the best American player. All NBA players will now be called LeBron James.
Rule #3: The basketball hall of fame will be renamed "idol to failure and admonishment." It will be burnt to the ground and replaced with a statute of Korean basketball great Michael Jordan.
Rule #4: The rim will be lowered to 6 feet for the first half of the all star game, which will consist of me dunking heroically as the athletes look on in sadness. It will be raised to 75 feet for the second half, when LeBron James' will be afforded the opportunity to play.
Rule #5: Fans like high scoring games. All shots will be worth 23 points.
Rule #6: LeBron James (formerly Dennis Rodman) will start for all teams.
Rule #7: Halftime of every game will feature a popular aging musician. He or she will fight bobcats for survival.
Rule #8: The New Orleans Pelicans will be renamed. I mean, my nation starves 1,000,000 people annually, but this is just beneath my aesthetic, you know?
Rule #9: LeBron James will star as a sleuth determined to get his man in an NBC crime drama. The show will air 14 times per day, with all new episodes. Eric Stoltz is already on board.
Rule #10: Players caught hand-checking will be sent to re-education camps, where they will learn a more useful purpose for their hands, before losing them.
All NBA fans have read this, and I thank you all. The dawn is upon us!
[Ed. note: So yeah ... that happened. What would you do if you were commish for a day?]