The NBA is hatching a little experiment and reportedly allowing Brooklyn Nets and Miami Heat players to replace their last names with designated nicknames in an upcoming contest this season.
Some would be obvious -- King James, The Truth, K.G. -- and some are less so -- Ray Allen is going with Shuttleworth and Shane Battier going with Shaneo after his original choice, Batman, wasn't allowed for copyright reasons.
This could and probably will go horribly horribly wrong. Not everyone has a nickname, and it's better to just go by your last name instead of trying to force a nickname (Shaneo? Really???).
That being said, the Detroit Pistons happen to be home to some pretty awesome players and some even more awesome nicknames -- though many of them are DBB creations.
Sadly, we can't see Isolayshaun on the back of a jersey anytime soon, and I don't think Boy! Mop Water! would fit on a jersey even if Slava Kravtsov was still here (though Ctrl-V would). But without further ado here is a rundown of Pistons nicknames, starting with the big guns.
Existing nickname: Big Penguin
Alternates: Brahma Bull. AD Zero, Private Zero, Showtime, Pimp Juice (ugh)
Brahma Bull matches up well with Moose (he's next) and is certainly more intimidating than Big Penguin. But then again Big Penguin just screams Drummond. It so matches his demeanor and outlook. Nothing can beat Big Penguin. Nothing.
Existing nickname: Moose
True to form, the quiet, under-the-radar Monroe doesn't even have an old nickname from high school or college I could dig up. Though I still have a soft spot in my heart for the DBB-created Monrobocop. It's the Detroit connection, I think.
Existing nickname: J Smoove, Smoove
Hate this nickname. Will never use it. But it's ubiquitous and probably isn't going away. My suggestion: Make Rasheed Wallace come up with a new one because whatever he thinks up would be a million times better.
Existing nickname: The Pterodactyl
Alternates: Doobie Doo, Young Buck, Young Money
I'm not quite sure how Jennings go the nickname pterodactyl but I don't like it. And his existing alternates don't work either as Jennings, while still young, is no longer a Buck. After reading all 6,000 words (I need a life) of this article chronicling Jenning's love of Drake perhaps his nickname should be OVO?
Existing nickname: Mr. Big Shot
Alternates: Smooth, C-Bill, B-B-B-Billups
Never loved Mr. Big Shot and I'm not sure he ever loved it either, but it is synonymous with his time in Detroit. He grew up as Smooth but we can't have a Smooth and a Smoove. Too confusing! I'd love to see B-B-Billups on the back of a jersey, or perhaps Renaichaunce.
Existing nickname: Hot Rod
Stuckey is probably stuck (no pun intended) with Hot Rod at this point. Not horrible. Not great. A meh name for a decidedly meh player. He'll always be HEY! to me.
Existing nickname: Bynumite!
Alternates: Will the Thrill
Suggestions?: MFWB, WAWB?
Bynum has the perfect nickname for his style of play -- quick, exciting and incredibly destructive, often to his own team.
Existing nickname: Charlie V.
Alternates: CV, CV31
Suggestions?: Chunky Charlie, DNP-CV
No alopecia or hair-related jokes will be entertained so you can get that weak stuff out of here right now. I'm not sure right now whether he would prefer Charlie V. or CV. Regardless, those that do not dress for the game will probably not have their nickname stitched onto their immaculate suits.
Existing nickname: Swedish Eagle
Suggestions: Jerbco, Need for Swede
I'm having trouble placing where Swedish Eagle came from, but I think some Swedish fans gave him that name his rookie year at the Palace.
Existing nickname: Jorts
I knew about Jorts even before I knew about Josh Harrellson, and that is always the sign of a quality nickname. It comes from his love of jean shorts, by the way, and lets hope now that he's cashed a few NBA paychecks he's packed those away in his closet or given them to Goodwill.
Existing nickname: Bucket Man
Alternates: K-Smooth, Buckets!
Suggestions?: The Ugly Singler Brother
Greg Monroe gave Singler the name Bucket Man, while Corey Maggette gave him the much inferior K-Smooth name (another Smooth! I can't take it!). Buckets comes from his coda after sinking trick shots and has been embraced by the DBB community (or at least by me). Though, after seeing his brother, E.J. Singler, suit up for the Pistons in the most recent summer league, I'd be fine with the Ugly Singler Brother or some less offensive version of it.
Existing nickname: Gigi
Suggestions?: Super Mario Bro., Italian Jesus, the Top Knot
Datome prefers to go by Gigi, but I guarantee we're going to see plenty of Luigi costumes and fake mustaches in the Palace. Thanks a lot, stereotypical Americans. Italian Jesus is probably a little too blasphemous to make the cut, though if the beard and hair fit ... Top Knot, meanwhile, is what I call every guy that utilizes the top knot, and it has a nice little ring to it.
Existing nickname: KCP
Alternates: KC, Ken
Going the initials route or the initial and number route is always the lazy man's fallback option. Trouble is, I can't think of anything more appropriate for the rookie, and his name is so damn long the initials are always enticing. With his style of play and his history as a player at Georgia, I could see him eventually earning some sort of bulldog-related moniker, but we'll just have to wait for that to play out.
Existing nickname: Peypey
Suggestions?: Lil Dre, Not Trey Burke, Point Guard Things
Siva himself has said he is "too old for nicknames," and that I can definitely respect. The closest he has is his Twitter handle @PeyPeySiva3. I'm having trouble thinking of something appropriate, but I can definitely see a nickname blossoming out of his fast and close friendship with Andre Drummond.
Existing nickname: none
If you've made it this far this one is self explanatory.
This is obviously just a start. We need to cultivate these nicknames carefully and organically so that when the Pistons are asked to take part in this little experiment we go 15 for 15 with solid, respectable nicknames. As previously mentioned, I'm pretty sure Rasheed Wallace wouldn't let any weak ass nicknames appear on the back of any jerseys, and he should have final say on all suggestions.
H/T to Fadel who had it first in FanShots.