Fire Dumars (and hire me)

Yo, Tom Gores,

Kevin here. I like your work. Thanks for owning my favorite team. Niceties aside, I'm here to tell you to stop this.

It's time to install me as interim GM.

No, seriously. Wednesday night was embarrassing. It degrades both of us to have to watch that. Only, I don't have hundreds of millions of dollars on the line. You do.

You need to make a statement. What better way to do that than to hire a guy who knew this whole gimmick of a team was a no go before it happened? On a related note, I also knew Billups for Iverson was a bad idea. You can look it up.

Consider this my cover letter.

I have been following this team since my dad informed me that Houston is not the same as Houghton, and so I should not be rooting for the Rockets. He cemented my zealotry as I watched the infamous "Isiah-to-Bird" pass, and he introduced me to the magical world of unmitigated rage.

That pass? Haunts me forever. It defined me as a fan. Poor decision making loses ball games. Oh, and my dad's in prison, so I have a gritty back story.

Fast forward to today.

I get this whole thing. You wanting to make a big splash, reinvent the team, get more athletic. You wanted more entertaining basketball.

Is this entertaining? Watching a bunch of gangly dudes take your team to the bank? It certainly didn't entertain me.

You need a way out of this dreck, Mr. Gores. But you need a way to put a positive face on it. That's where I come in.

Hire me to be your GM. No, seriously, hear me out.

See, I'm not going to make huge splashes. I'm not going to bet on athleticism. I'm not going to treat your bank account like a reservoir. Rather, I will financially justify every single decision I make using real evidence.

I'm going to do what your guy, Joe Dumars, did years ago. I'm going to vacate crappy contracts in favor of undervalued talent. I will maximize return on draft picks. I will value defense in tangible ways.

Josh Smith? Told you that wouldn't work. That's quite a pickle. I can fix it. It's ugly, but it's fixable. I sure as hell won't make a similar mistake.

Want more? I knew the Knicks were going to suck. I knew the Bulls and Nets would not contend. I knew the Hawks would be a tough out in the first round. Portland won't make the conference finals, and you can book that right now.

Don't like stats? Pretend I don't use them. I can just be an oracle. A wise old owl. Whatever it takes.

That said, I'm going to pay for rebounds over points (yeah, I said it) because possessions win ball games more than jumpshots. I am going to look at turnover numbers, and those numbers will impact how I spend your money.

I will literally hire a guy to measure deflected balls, and figure out how to assess that value. That guy will get you 4 to 1 on your investment in him, I assure you.

I get it. You need a legit front of office guy. I understand that. I am more Jonah Hill than Brad Pitt. Hell, I'm more Philip Seymour Hoffman than Jonah Hill. You probably have half a dozen dudes in your front office who can execute my plan better than I can.

That's not the point. This is symbolic. Once we right the ship, you fire me, and hire one of them, or someone else. I will even help you find that someone else, internally or externally. I will literally interview my replacement.

I have nothing to lose here. At present, I live in Minnesota. I will literally relocate my wife and two-year-old daughter to do this. We will quit our jobs.

I am that committed, and I am that sure I can do better than what you have installed as GM.

In a sense, you have a historical opportunity. Call a blogger on his bluff. See if he can resurrect one of the NBA's most storied franchises. You could make a damn reality series out of it if you want. At minimum, I will make sure you get a better return on your financial investment in the Detroit Pistons.

Just know that I am dead serious. I can be reached here or, frankly, wherever you want to find me.

If nothing else, consider this a flag in the sand.

Sincerely,

Drunk and Surly