Ladies and Gentlemen,
Welcome to the premiere of Detroit Bad Boys’ new feature...Munken Drailbag! Err, Drunken Mailbag. The fact that I had to use an online thesaurus for the word ‘first’ to come up with premier makes me think that maybe I started sipping a bit too soon.
Speaking of starting too soon, the current time on my clock reads 9:38 am EST. Fear not for my liver, though, for I reside time zone upon time zone away betwixt Osaka and Kobe in Japan. It’s now 10:42 pm. I got my pre-drink on at dinner, then after my daughter’s bedtime routine of workbook (5 years old and adding hundreds. BOOM!), Mario Party, and a book (working on Paddington Bear now. Currently up to some mischief at the seaside, that rascally bear), I’m here alone with my magic elixir ready to answer your Pistons related and unrelated questions.
First of all, apologies. A premiere of a feature should be more accessible but I’m starting us off with something a little obscure for the American palette. Tonight’s drink? 梅酒. Say whaaaat? Ume Shu (Pronounced: oomay shoo). Say whaaaat? This is a Japanese drink normally made by steeping plums in shochuu, an alcohol made of rice, potato, or barley. However, I’m drinking a special Ume Shu called Suppai (means sour) that is made with sake instead of shochuu. I originally found this sweet nectar in a little skewered chicken shack and fell in lust with it. I now have 2L bottles delivered to my doorstep. It’s sweet and it’s got a nice healthy punch to it. While you probably won’t be able to find Suppai in your locale, the scroungers amongst you may be able to find other Ume Shu. Choya is the most popular brand. Ume Shu can be mixed with soda, warm water, or tea, but it's best on the rocks. It also comes in a number of flavors including green tea, brown sugar, and shiso leaf. Many Japanese people make their own by soaking plums in shochu for a range of months to years. If your local Meijer doesn’t carry Ume Shu, feel free to release profanity-laced tirades in their direction. And tell them J. Parker Pool sent ya.
Speaking of J. Parker Pool, let’s get to our first question. Take it away, Packey….
Who is this J Parker Pool guy anyway? Do you have a little dog – like a chow or something?
Who am I? Who aren’t I? What does this question even mean, Packey? Do you mean like my DNA code or something? Because I’ve never gotten my genome all mapped out by Mrs. Google’s company. Or am I the sum of all that I have produced? Can I merely be defined by Stanimalistic Urges and Pistons Primary? Or perhaps you mean the physical manifestation of myself? Am I merely the flesh wrapping my juicy innards to you, Packey? Is this what you mean? Well, imagine for a moment, if you will, that I have a little patch o’ eczema on my elbow. What am I going to do with that patch of eczema? Oh, I’m gonna scratch the hell outta it. Millions of particles emanate from my elbow and hang confusedly in limbo. Dispersal! Off I go in every direction. While most of me remains hunched over my computer, what about the part of me that has left home, never to return? The tiny scurf that has been shot out like an escape pod goes whizzing and whirring, subject to the air pockets and streams created by my deep breaths and the fan I keep on for white noise. I open the window and that microscopic version of me gets sucked out into the night sky only to latch onto a twig used by a nesting sparrow to keep her young hatchlings warm and safe. Amongst eggs, a regurgitated worm particle splats down onto me from above. The baby bird cannot tell my particle from that of chewed worm and eats us both. A quick journey through the intestinal labyrinth of the baby bird and I come out the other end and I become one with the vast sea. I evaporate into the clouds where I am dropped into a mound of mud. I become engulfed by the roots of a flower until I find myself surrounded by a dazzling daffodil in full bloom. A bee takes hold of me and escorts me back to his hive where I am used in the careful creation of an ooey, gooey, sweet and sticky substance. So who am I, Packey? I’m the honey you’re licking off your toast and don’t you forget it!
Enough of this existential crap. You’re making my brain do backflips when it wants to do triple lutzes. ON TO THE NEXT QUERY!
Oh, and I possess neither a chow nor something.
The Boourns asks:
With news that Stanimal and Andre might be living together, describe a quiet night at home with Standre…
Quiet night? Are you frickin’ kidding me? These are two young men in their physical primes without parental guidance. You and I both know what’s going on. COUCH CUSHION FORTRESSES! Seriously, this isn’t your normal old ‘80s hideaway bed couch with old dog hair-covered couch cushions. Yeah, they are on rookie contracts, but they both know they are getting PAID and I’m sure their furnishings reflect that. They’ve probably got the finest lemur-skin leather cushions that guide the way over hot lava to their ultimate fortress. Even their couch fortress has its own home security system. Inside, they’ve got all the hottest boardgames. Crossfire, Mousetrap, Hungry Hungry Hippos, you name it. The place is a frickin’ paradise.
Bonus points if MFCD can photoshop the two of them cross stitching or quilting…
I can only assume you are referring to Mother Effing Christopher Daniels, photoshop savant and creator of this bad boy and this worse boy. Well, I didn’t want to impose on him in my intoxicated state. The last time I stood outside his estate belting out a hearty "Knock Knock KNOCKKITY KNOCK!" I ended up having the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you released on me. Wasn’t in the mood for that so I made my own inferior version here:
Laimbrane asks the following quetsions….quesitons….questions:
How many games does this team win?
I just had to break some more ice out of the mold and put it into the cup without my daughter waking up. NINJA CUBE CRACKER!
Anyway, how many games will we win? What’s the meaning of life? Ask Douglas Adams and get your answer.
How many games does this team win if Drummond gets injured (for the year) early in the season?
Stan Van Gundy, Gods and Level 74 Elven Mages bless his soul, he will not go down without a fight no matter what happens.The guy is as anti-tank as the Tiananmen Square protester. He’ll find a way to win 31 games and keep Ben Simmons out of our lives.
3) How many games does this team win if Jackson gets in injured (for the year) early in the season?
74. This has nothing to do with Reggie Jackson and everything to do with Spencer effin Dinwiddie. SPENCER EFFIN’ DINWIDDIE!!!!!
[Right about now] Loved ones with a megaphone: J Parker! PUT THE UME SHU down and slowly BACK AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!
I’m not doing it! IN SPENCER WE TRUST! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
How long can I survive if Drummond/Jackson get injured and posters with certain sets of skills start hunting me down for jinxing the team?
We live in the age of the ever-watchful eye. Let’s just say Harold’s gonna get a phone call with your number coming up. Fusco ain’t saving you either (I’m a half season behind and I hope I’m not saying anything dated).
Who on this team is most likely to date the last girl that you broke up with (and why)?
Oh my….I’ve been married for the last 11 years and last dated a different girl in, what would it be….2000? We faded out after I moved to Japan for the first time. She’s married now, but let’s assume this happened right after I left for Japan. She would be alone and vulnerable. Her friends would be like "Come on, let’s go out to the club and get your mind off of J Parker Pool." There she would walk, in all her innocence, straight into the tiger’s lair. BRANDON JENNINGS! Don’t share your ecstasy with her, Brandon! Don’t put those moves on her, Brandon! I know I’m not with her anymore, I know she’s an independent woman capable of making her own choices, and I know this is just a hypothetical situation, but no, Brandon, stop working your club voodoo on her. Stop it, No, I don’t want to watch this happening. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Need another drink now. Be right back….
5th (and last) Drink
Favorite burger joint in your area?
I want to clone you, tear you and your clone’s limbs off, tape them to your head, and make an octopus marionette for asking this question, Grantlp13. I’M IN JAPAN! THERE ARE NO BURGER JOINTS IN MY AREA! Yes, there is a lot of great food in this country, but sometimes you just want a burger and feel cow’s blood dribbling down your chin. Not because of any animosity toward the cow, but rather because the cow deserves such a wild and barbaric ending. If my ending comes with my blood dribbling down some greater being’s chin, I’ll know that was a life worth living. Next question.
Which Piston nemesis would you most like to shoot paintballs at out of the window of a moving car?
If you were ever in a bar and Joe Dumars walks in and you’re drunk enough to not feel ashamed about your actions, what are the three things you say/ask/do to Joe Dumars?
1. Can we do re-enact the photo of you working two phones at once? I’ll be your wife in a lustful mood on one line and Chris Wallace negotiating a trade on the other. GO!
2. I’ve often fantasized of having a time machine and going back to the Darko draft and trying to convince you to take Dwyane Wade and to hire me as the official Pistons seer. How would you have reacted to this request? Is there anything I could’ve done to convince you that I actually was from the future and could have helped us win multiple championships?
3. Karaoke stage is open, Joe! How about you & me? A Whole New World! Do you want to be Peabo or can I?
What’s your favorite hard liquor, ladies & gents? If you asked me, I enjoy bourbon, Irish whiskey, and gin the most.
Appleton Rum! Before this drunken mailbag dies from cirrhosis I will toss out a rum-based mailbag or two. That’s the J Parker Pool Guarantee!
What’s your favorite type of beer? Again, for me, Porters, Stouts, and Ales. Not IPAs though. F*** hipsters.
Allow me to lose any druncredibility in 3...2...1...I don’t drink beer. My Mom’s friend gave me a sip of beer when I was 5 and it was disgusting. I haven’t been able to move beyond that initial taste so I stick mainly with rum, wine, sake, ume shu, and a few other treasures.
Are bars cutting off pitcher sales around you? They are here, especially snooty-[buttocks] b.s. places like Atwater’s brew/restaurants. I demand pitchers. And if no pitchers, let me fill my [gosh darn] growler and drink it there. No growler-drinking on premises is like take-out only specials, total bull[honkey]
There is a German bar near Kyoto I used to go to that had pitchers, but other than that it’s not something you see in Japan. Anyway, growlers...how long has this word been in existence? I never heard of it until I went back to Michigan last summer and it was everywhere. EVERYWHERE! When I think of growler, I conjure up the image of that freaky Zuul dog from Ghostbusters. DON’T WANT!
What’s your least favorite hard liquor?
Whiskey and Shochu. Maybe when I’m 80 and desolate….maybe.
From The Will to Win @twtwsports on Twitter
What's the best booze to slam back while watching another failed season from the Pistons? #AskDBB
Hopefully we won’t need an answer to this question. There are two schools of thought, though.
1) Drink something good to take your mind off the horrid atrocities you are watching on TV, or
2) Drink something that mirrors the feeling you get from watching John Kuester trying to motivate the team, Charlie Villanueva play defense, or Josh Smith launching 3s.
Assuming it’s the latter, I recommend a blend of tequila, whiskey, orange juice, smarties, Colgate Whitening, and a few roly polies from underneath the nearest rock you want to crawl under.
Speaking of Josh Smith, watch out for my Josh Smith Theory of Everything coming to a computer near you.
Well, I’m crunching the ice on my last Ume Shu. Like the morning after a night of hard drinking, are you regretting clicking on this link? I hope not. If nothing else, I enjoyed this precious time we have shared together. If you gained nothing else from this, allow me to leave you with this potential patent idea, free of charge: Ingestible Liquor Condoms. You swallow them and they catch the liquor before it enters your liver. Enjoy spirits while keeping your liver pristine! How does removal work? Well, that’s the final step to a million dollar idea.
We’ll be back in two weeks with a new week and a new Detroit Bad Boy drunkard! Until then, remember to never to drink too much and ride naked into town on a moose while swinging a flaming lasso of justice. You're not inspiring the townsfolk as much as you think you are and the moose totally doesn't deserve the embarrassment. Yeah, I should probably just back away from the keyboard before I cause any more damage.