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Meet the in-laws, Stan

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If there's one thing that can bring down a marriage, it's the in-laws.

Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports

Stan, you’ve been married for over a year now and it’s time to get to know the in-laws. You may have THOUGHT you knew them, but as we reported on Tuesday, you’ve only just begun to understand the depths of disappointment that will be served to you weekly by your new brother-in-law.

Ah, marital bliss. Watching your beautiful blushing bride walk toward you down the aisle takes away all the problems in your life, doesn’t it? And Stan Van Gundy, by all accounts, has a gorgeous and successful wife in the Pistons franchise. With three championships under her belt, she is the envy of many.

Unfortunately, when you marry the bride, you also marry the in-laws. During the champagne haze of the wedding, Stan must have thought his new fam was amazing. Between toast and the wedding cake, they trotted out Red Wings, the most successful of the family, and Stan was enamored. She was beautiful, well versed in Russian, and delighted in exotic food like raw octopus. After a few drinks and the wedding cake, Tigers came by.  She also carried herself brilliantly and boasted great accomplishment.

Finally, some time after numerous clinks of the champagne glass, a few brews chugged, a couple tequila sunrises down the ol’ hatch, and eight shots of bourbon to erase the memory of brother Jeff getting a little too worked up for the dollar dance, when the lights were down low and the DJ was on autopilot, they brought out the black sheep son-in-law. A quick handshake and Stan, in his inebriated state, thought what a fine young fella he was.

And during the first year of the marriage, much to the family’s surprise, he actually seemed like a normal functioning member of the human race. However, when the calendar struck 2015, brother Lions turned back into the slack-jawed, buck-toothed, bowl-cut, gravy stains covering his Cheetoh smears disgrace everyone (but poor Stan) knew him to be.

Don’t get me wrong, the family loves him as one of their own. While they sit around the table drinking cabernet and discussing some subtle nuance of Chaucer’s lesser-known works, they affectionately admire the quaint simplicity of his greatest feat: Chugging a can of Surge (from God-knows-what-year) and letting out a string of burps.

Stan, this Lions is family now, warts and all (which reminds me, you might want to bring your own towel when you stay at his place).

So… After getting to know the in-laws, are you still in it ‘til death do us part (or, you know...the duration of your five year contract)?