The Case for Markieff Morris

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

If there's anything that Coors Light has taught me, it's that everything is better with TWINSSSSSS.

Which is why we need to reunite twin brothers Markieff and Marcus Morris on the Pistons.

Something just feels off not having them on the same team together. Kind of like how it sounds weird to just say "Mary Kate" or "Ashley" on its own? Hell, do you even know what the Winklevoss' (Winklevii?) first names are?

I mean, these guys have been by each others' sides their whole lives. They grew up together, received improper benefits from Coach Self together, faced assault charges together and, fulfilling their biggest childhood dreams, got to play on the same team in THE LEAGUE together. But now, that dream has turned into a nightmare. And guess who’s not on the top bunk to wake Marcus up from it?

Does it make basketball sense? Absolutely not. But it does make human sense. It truly makes my heart heavy to think these two are separated by three time zones. I’ve been hearing reports of Markieff idling around on his hoverboard aimlessly in Mesa, gloomily looking for his brother so they can play 2K together.

And poor Marcus – the man is literally withering away! It’s like in the book Where the Red Ferns Grow, when the one coon hunting dog dies and the other starves himself to death because he’s so broken up about it.

Separation anxiety is totally a thing with twins! I used to date a fraternal twin (the better looking one, obvs.), and every time we’d go out on a date, she would bring her sister because they couldn’t stand to be apart for more than 11 minutes at a time. It was like having two girlfriends with none of the benefits. Just them talking in inside jokes and me buying three movie tickets.

And I’m pretty sure it’s been scientifically proven that when twins are apart, if something happens to one twin, the other one feels it too. So basically, it’s double the chance that Marcus gets hurts this season, because if Markieff goes down with a knee injury, or if Z-Bo blows his face up, Marcus will be feeling the affects as well.

I guess I just fear that Marcus’ head won’t be in the game without his bro there. After a 4-12 shooting night, he’ll go back to Royal Oak, get bottle service at Fifth Avenue and only bang two 21 year olds, the whole time thinking "Man, I wish Markieff was here to take some of this booty."

You’ve invested in one Morris, so now it’s time to double down on your efforts and bring in another. The only real way to maximize their talents is to get them back together and let them fuck shit up Dale Doback and Brennan Huff style.

Really, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s all harmless fun at the end of the day. It’s not like anyone will get hurt.

(Mike and Maurkice Pouncey nod in agreement)

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