Drunken Mailbag: On life, generations, and the Pistons

Hey friends, welcome to the second Drunken Mailbag. In case you missed the first, here is the vastly more eloquent J Parker Pool's submission. For my part, I'm coming to you from Colorado these days, home of some great contribution to our liquor store shelves.

Me, I try to limit my indulgence to known quantities: beer and whiskey. Colorado does both great. I've gotten started in the night with Odell's seasonal Isolation Ale. My preference for beer rotates pretty constantly depending on what's happening outside. During the summer, I love a nice pilsner. This time of year, I'm drinking dark beer. One of my favorite fall happenings is a Michigan wet hops beer, but now being a long way from the midwest, local ambers and porters have to do as the autumn go-tos.

On to the questions:

From Ben Q. - Why is your name Steve?

My grandpa on my mom's side had the last name of Stevenson. In the service his nickname was Steve and I inherited it.

He was an interesting fellow. He lived on a farm in very rural Indiana, was a truck driver and did some carpentry. During the spring, he'd make extra cash by pulling up messes of morel mushrooms (which are just the best) out in their woods.

He passed away about five years ago and I bought his old pickup from my grandma, an immaculate 1994 F-150 on which something new busts every week. He had a CB in it, so my grandma also told me that I inherited his handle. It was Jack Hammer. Hers was Jill Hammer, the handle which my fiancee is now the proud owner of.

From I got Munnyz - Do you think Andre Drummond will be the greatest Pistons rebounder?

Yes, but not easily. He's the team's career leader in rebounding percentage, finished north of 13 rebounds per season twice at 21, led the league twice in offensive boards twice in in his first three seasons which were the 17th and 15th best offensive rebounding seasons of all time.

Dude's a prodigy.

But he'll have a damn hard time ever cracking Dennis Rodman's 18.7 rebound per game mark. That's just amazing to think about. You know, Rodman went north of 20 rebounds in 39 games that year? That's nearly half the season. But you have to do that to make up for those crummy games where you only get 9 or 10 rebounds. That's a tough bar to reach.

This franchise has been fortunate to have three pretty amazing rebounders, to the point that I don't think we'll ever really have a perfect consensus on whether Drummond is truly the greatest rebounder to wear a Pistons uni.

Think about this: if Dennis Rodman, Ben Wallace, and Andre Drummond go up for a board, who gets it?

J. Parker Pool - Tell me one of your favorite jokes except replace any characters in the joke with Detroit Pistons past or present of your choice? Keep the rest of the joke the same. I don't care if it doesn't make sense or isn't funny anymore, I just really need you to do this for me.

Anthony Tolliver walks in to a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

TDP - What's the secret to growing the shiniest onions?

Be yourself, be honest, work hard, and know what you know and know that you don't know most stuff that there is to know. So try to find that shit out from some old smart dude. Drunk life advice, right there.

A bunch from sauce1977 - If you could Andre Drummond any Andre Drummond, which Andre Drummond would you Andre Drummond, and why?

I have no idea.

What's the meaning of life?

To enjoy it.

Brothers and sisters … I have none. Yet, this man’s father is my father’s son. Who is the man?

You, right?

A ‘kids these days’ old man question … are Millenials ever going to grow out of their love for IPAs, skinny jeans, and selfies? Or are we stuck with this as their final form? [adjusts flannel shirt collar]

You know, I love the idea of naming generations. It feels like naming evolution to me. Me, I'm an old millennial. But I'm kind of an old man. I hate any music that came out after 1997. Still, I've never understood the millennial hate. I've been incredibly impressed by the millennials that I've known. You can't count on them to work for you for more than a year or two, but in the meantime they'll give you some great stuff.

I feel like that on every inch of the globe, young folks are smarter now than they were 10 years ago and infinitely smarter than they were when I was when I was their age. I was in Cambodia a few years ago, visiting these remote parts of the country, and these kiddos were obsessed with school - understanding the opportunities it might bring. They were talking about being doctors at 5 years old, not a baseball player like I was. Or a teacher, or just making it to America. But if anyone made sense from 15-25, they wouldn't be 15-25. In the US, maybe it's just a superficial smart. That they understand better how to be cool, how to be accepted within their peers thanks to the broader spectrum of what that looks like.

Either way, I'm so glad that I'm not growing up today. Youngsters today grow up with more challenges than they ever have before. I had the luxury of being a dumbass. I didn't have to learn that I was a dumbass until 22 or 23, and never really suffered any real negative consequences as a result. But kids today don't have that same opportunity. That's something that my little town has seen first-hand here recently.

But will millennials always be skinny jean wearing, IPA sucking, selfie takers? Nah. Eventually metabolism catches up, skinny jeans don't fit, aggressive drinks stop tasting good, and they'll have kids and become a bit less self-obssessed.

So, switching to whiskey. This probably really isn't a good thing. We're going to go with a bit of Tin Cup, which is what they seem to consider here as a bourbon-rye thingamabob. I like it.

Still Sauce - If you were stuck on a Pacific island with only a couple t-shirts, one book, and a forgotten secret WW2 USAF bunker with a functioning distillery and magical ingredients naturally growing on the island for you to use for said distillery ... what would those t-shirt logos/designs be, what would the book be, and what would be your main distilled beer or liquor of choice? And yes, it was a plane crash, you bailed safely, and you made shorts out of the parachute.

You know those stupid zip-away pants that over-zealous hikers wear? Even normal hikes out here require those over-zealous things. And the only t-shirt I have that really goes with my zip-away pants is my Bells shirt. And I get an insane number of compliments from passing hikers wearing that shirt. Probably would be the same with passing freighters. My distilled brew would be whiskey. Would need to have visited my brother for the bourbon trail first and understood shit about it first though.

The book though, I went back and forth on that. On one part, I'd like to have some bigass Spanish textbook to take longer, to keep my mind occupied, to accomplish something. But that's not the point of the question, it's a "what's a book you like" q? I'll say Emile Zola's complete works.

Three Red Pandas are out and about, and they run into a gang of Raccoons. Would they fight? Or would they adopt the Raccoons into their legion of Pand-oom?

I suppose they would fight. Probably whenever red pandas have the choice between fight or treaty, they choose fight. Unless the raccoons were willing to be minions or something. But I'd defer this one to PS. He would know better than me.

Garrett Elliott - If you were to build a new franchise from scratch, would you build around Andre Drummond? Why or why not

Absolutely. If I were building a new franchise from scratch, my first move would be to make sure they have a strong interior. Fortunately for the Pistons, they have the most attractive option in that arena.

My criteria for my center would be:

1) Dominant defense

2) Top rebounder in the league

3) Nice manners

4) Can tie a bow tie

5) Appropriate jersey number

... things...

...) Offense

For that concept, Andre Drummond is the clear best bet out there to build around. It's kind of seemed like I've been critical about Drummond here in the recent days, but really I think I've been one of Drummond's biggest fans since the days before he came to Detroit. There were days when I was called nutso for thinking Dre was the fella they should draft rather than someone like John Henson or Jared Sullinger, when I called for him surpass Greg Monroe's rookie numbers and was met with Shining gifs, when I called for him to be in the Rookie of the Year conversation.

J. Parker Pool - Describe your ultimate Pistons-themed miniature golf course hole.

Well, of course there'd be the Big Ben windmill on 18. No one would score. Hole one would be Chauncey. I would go farther but really, I'm pretty drunk now so I'm not going to. Y'all can fill in the rest

Packey - Which Pistons player would make the best Chicago White Sock and why?

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. Because the White Sox love toolsy athletes who aren't probably good at baseball. Hi Jared Mitchell.

If you had to guess (you have to guess), what's the percentage of active DBB commenters who have better looking basketball shooting mechanics than Steve Blake?

All of us. Bonus points if you're from Indiana.

Quick word of warning though: don't watch a clip of Blake and Stanley Johnson shooting a three pointer side-by-side. Just don't do it.

If you were to have drinks with SVG, what would you order first? What do you think he orders? What would be the first topic of conv?

I'd order a beer, probably one that cost $4. His would cost less. I would ask him things and see where things went, whether about basketball or otherwise. People are fascinating, and I love meeting them and talking to them about things other than just basketball. I'm sure SVG is an interesting fellow. But if I had to force the conversation, I'd ask him about his younger years. It's my go-to move. I did it one time with a fellow from Louisiana and learned he basically was Tom Cruise from Top Gun and he mails me Tony Chachere seasoning. Dude probably kicked more ass than anyone I've ever met.

Mike from Facebook: Drummond vs a Hurricane. But it's Hurricane Andre?

I'd watch that movie.

The Boourns: Surface Pro 4 or iPad Pro?

Surface. Apple hasn't done anything innovative since Steve Jobs died.

Which Pistons, past or present, would you want to see go against each other in a Survivor-type contest? Which ones would team up, who would get kicked out first, and who would win it all?

I've never seen Survivor, but my two favorite Pistons are Ben Wallace and Dennis Rodman and they'd kick everyone's ass in whatever Survivor competition you'd run.

Ok, that'll do it for me. I'm out of questions and am most certainly ready to call it a night. Cheers.