A cosmic rumbling is shaking the foundation of the Palace. Perhaps you've felt it. Perhaps you've questioned where it is coming from. Last year, we could feel the tide begin to turn. Some believed it was the expulsion of misfit parts. Some theorized it was the new coach guiding the way.
Indeed, there was a force that arrived last year to save us from this seven-year purgatory of inept basketball, but it was neither addition by subtraction nor the strategies espoused by Stan Van Gundy. No, this mystic renaissance swirling around Detroit is centered around the man with a sage's mind and an old man's game: Spencer Dinwiddie.
Think about it: Before the arrival of Spencer, this team was a lost and confused puppy drunk on tequila and inexplicably wearing roller skates for the first time while woodpeckers mistook it for a tree. THAT was your 2008-2014 Detroit Pistons. Then Spencer came. Ever since, we have seen a slow march from chaos to order; everything falling into place, step by step.
I'm here to tell you that there are mystic machinations at work. Some 2,600 years ago, there lived an ancient Chinese philosopher named Lao Tzu. Known as the Supremely Mysterious and Primordial Emperor, he spoke of a guiding force that defined the very nature of the cosmos. This force, known as the Tao, is simultaneously everything and nothing. It is both everywhere and nowhere. Its essence is in everything, yet it cannot be seen.
Correction: Could not be seen.
For I have reason to believe that Spencer Dinwiddie's Mustache is the physical manifestation of the Tao and that the entire universe is centered around those magnificent bristles arcing around his mouth symmetrically aligned with a brilliant apex situated directly under his nose.
According to an ancient legend, Lao Tzu was conceived when his mother gazed upon a falling star. After 62 years in the womb, he emerged as a grown man with a fully grown beard. Over the next 2,600 years, the status quo of peach-fuzz reigned supreme, the wisdom of the Tao was forgotten, and it was left to remain dormant save for the lonely corner of Earth inhabited by liberal arts majors and their elder counterparts at the local Barnes and Noble bookstore until...
Out he popped, with fully formed mustache and a tattered copy of the Tao Te Ching. Truly, the force was strong with this one. How else, would you explain Reggie Jackson and his transformation from an OKC malcontent into a leader? The meteoric rise of Andre Drummond? The invisible hand of fate that led Stanimal to Detroit? While he often tries to hide it as a humble Taoist master ought to, occasionally it cannot help but to shine through, as was the case with when he effortlessly dropped 17 points on NBA legend Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers. When you open yourself to the Tao then trust your natural responses, everything will fall into place (Tao Te Ching, 23).
You know what? We don't need to call it the Tao anymore. Let's call it by its modern manifestation:
Yes. Spencer Dinwiddie's Mustache is the physical manifestation of the Tao. Each black bristle is delicately woven not simply into his face, but into the fabric of the universe; into being and not-being.
It is time we re-examine this ancient book of wisdom known as the Tao Te Ching, delving deep into its philosophy through the lens of its modern manifestation: Spencer Dinwiddie's Mustache. Ponder these quotes from the
Tao Spencer Dinwiddie's Mustache Te Ching. In fact, some of them look like they were written by Lao Tzu 2,600 years ago with Spencer Dinwiddie's Mustache in mind:
As for the rest? Let's just enjoy the wisdom of Lao Tzu, which still rings true to this very day...
Go forth and spread the good news. The mystical force that binds us together is right under our nose - Well, Spencer's nose. Let us now contemplate the cosmological ramifications of Spencer Dinwiddie's mustache being the center of the universe. How does this affect life as we know it? Is all of humanity revolving around Spencer like a record? Most importantly, what happens to the universe if he shaves?
My copy of the Tao Te Ching is nearly as tattered as the one pictured above. It has served me well over the years and I hold a deep respect for Lao Tzu's teachings. For anyone interested in reading a highly rated version, I recommend Stephen Mitchell's translation/interpretation. There are, however, no actual mentions of Spencer Dinwiddie's Mustache.