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Drunken Mailbag: Politics, settling Aron Baynes' hands, and most Pistons are drinks poured over ice

The fourth installment of the DBB drunken mailbag.

They say the third time is the charm. Well, good job, J. Parker Pool. This is the fourth installment of the DBB Drunken Mailbag, BUT I am the third DBBer to do this. That has to count for something, right? Like, three?

For those of you who don't read too good, this is the cool kid's version of Keith Langlois' mailbag, but our Koolaid is spiked something nice and it's not necessarily Koolaid we're drinkin'. We also answer questions, but the queries needn't be Pistons related.

My drank? I feel like I might be adulterating the mailbag, but I'm mixing in a few adult beverages here, or what I like to call bevs or beverlys. You should know at least two of these, but the third might raise an eyebrow in addition to the BAC -- it's a pretty cool canned liquid that I found while perusing my local Bottle Shop.

1. My go-to drink: Jameson, or Irish Water of Life. (Seriously, click that link to that Jameson distillery write up by MFMP, but promise to come back, OK?)

2. Larceny. This is a bourbon that will steal your heart as much as it will kill your liver. It's a slightly cheaper Maker's Mark, and it doesn't completely rob me of my love for alliteration, because it's of the Heaven Hill Distilleries. I like it, so don't judge me like I'm some criminal.


I knew I had to have this when the yellow cans started blinding me through the beer glass doors and the big black block letters started screaming, "BUY ME!" I have not cracked one of these yet, ever, but I'm sure it will be awesome and I will not retch whatsoever.

OK, I just started my second glass of Larceny, so that's my queue or cue to get to the Qs...

J. Parker Pool: What political quotes from candidates can you tie to Pistons players or the organization at large? Inquiring minds want to know!

Donald Trump's famous 'form a fucking wall' quote comes to mind. Bernie Sanders' quote about Andre Drummond's rebounding: Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

OK, was that too predictable? Honestly, I have better recollection of quotes from The Campaign. For example, when Cam Brady suggested that Marty Huggins doesn't know how to trash talk, that reminds me of Marcus Morris talking to opponents. What does Brady know, though? He'd say the Pistons' defense is our nation's backbone. Huggins has a far better grasp on reality, like when he tried to speak to the Cleveland Cavaliers by saying, "Bring your brooms 'cause it's [Detroit's defense is] a mess." Sorry, J. Parker Pool, I'm not as wise as you advertised. At least not on politics. Let's leave that for Kevin Sawyer or BrGulker.

[I have to skip Steve's question, because I'm not finished with my fourth drink, yet.]

Buzzardbeater: What's the best part of the Palace experience?
a Watching hefty people dance maniacally for free pizza
b This will be the night one of those trampoline guys end up splattered on the backboard
c Trying to see what Baynes real life hands look like
d Other. (Explain)

The last time I was at The Palace was for the heartbreaking Wizards game this season back in November. My brother and his wife of three months were captured on the Kiss Cam for an uncomfortably long time, long enough for me to take several pictures and start to think about if he was going to maybe try to steal second. I'm more often oblivious to the in-arena experience, though. The Spare Tires were cool. I'm proud of my Dad.

By the way, I've been meaning to address the "Aron Baynes lobster hands" thing. You all do realize this happened once, right?

Baynes' hands have touched gold and thus, are gold.

[Third drink]

garrettelliott: What's your best New Dad story so far?
Who is your current favourite Piston?
Who is your all-time favourite Piston?
Who would win a game of one-on-one between your current favourite Piston and all-time favourite Piston?

I am a 2-time, 2-time Dad now... Probably my favorite new story over the last five weeks was witnessing my 3-year-old daughter beginning to sing to my crying newborn 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' but without the twinkles or really the clarity of any words, but you could tell what it was and it worked. The baby went back to sleep and it was the most adorable thing in the world. The MOST.

My current favoUrite Piston is Tobias Harris.

My all-time favoUrite Piston is either Grant Hill or Chauncey Billups.

All-time and father time is undefeated, of course.

Christopher Daniels: This is what I've wondered about you long time DBB staff: How in God's name did you keep content coming when we were a godawful terrible team?

Being die-hard fans, that's how! DUHHH.

Bonus question to be answered after a majority of drinking: Have you been coerced even a bit to root for the Hawks after living in the Atlanta area? No. I have actively tried to become a Braves fan because I am a baseball fan and they are in the National League, so unless they play in an interleague series or the World Series they pose no real threat of a conflict of interest, but no... I have found that my heart bleeds my hometown colors, mostly red though, and is forever inflexible. (But I may get season tickets to the new Braves stadium for 2017.)

Jayod: why :disappointed:

Great question posed as a statement with an emoji, Jayod.


He's on Wikipedia --

On October 20, 2015, Miller signed with Serbian team Crvena zvezda for the rest of the 2015-16 season.

Must be referring to the video below, nine seconds. Probably telling him that everything the light touches is his and that the king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun and that one day he will be king, if he's not already:

Next question:

I'm excited for the offseason, because I know Stan Van Gundy will do whatever he has to in order to improve the team. Unfortunately, I don't think Harrison Barnes is in the cards nor do I think Bradley Beal is a realistic option. Barnes may very well get a max offer from someone and the Wizards will likely match anything that comes Beal's way. Should the Pistons go after better scorers? Absolutely, but Barnes and/or Beal are likely off the table.

Chicken, but I do love me some $1 sushi.

From our Facebook page:

Mridul Verma:  I think it's strange to see that in the last year, the Pistons, even with their current failures, are still technically Detroit's best team. Am I the only one surprised by this did you guys not see this coming either?

No, you're the only one surprise by this, because technically it's still the Detroit Red Wings, but their 24-year playoff streak is in serious jeopardy while the Pistons' spoiled-short streak of not making the playoffs may finally end. Both are on the brink...

UPDATE: After my fourth glass of liquid courage and an EMERGENCY BEER, around 3 a.m. and before I could get to Steve's questions, naturally I passed out cold on my couch. I told myself I was only going to rest my eyes for a minute. I TOLD MYSELF NOT TO FALL ASLEEP. Next thing I know it's 7:30 a.m. and my dog is licking my face (not my wife, who I swear I was dreaming about). Passing out was bound to happen. I had a 8 a.m.-7:30 p.m. work day and I haven't drank that much toxic in months. My body was not prepared for this. I'll train better for next time.

Steve, I think my body and brain are still feeling it this morning and I don't want your questions to be the only ones unanswered. So...

Steve: Where do you see the Pistons finishing in the East next season?
How many playoff games do you predict the Pistons to play this season?

On a scale of 1-88, how comfortable are you with giving Drummond a max contract this summer?

Compare each player in the current rotation to an alcoholic beverage.

I see the Pistons finishing in the Top 4 in the East next season. Of course, that's kind of where I envisioned them finishing this year. I have the already-forfeited bet for them to win the Central Division to show for it. It was 7,000 to 1 odds during the preseason when Kyrie Irving was hurt and LeBron James was having some back issues and the Koolaid was really flowing strong. Lay off me. So I may have been a year or three off on that. But I do think this team is destined for top seededness with Stan Van Gundy. I truly believe that in my optimistic heart of hearts.

As for playoff games this year, I get the weekly emails on their odds and I've seen it go from 89 percent to just above 50 percent. I think one oddsmaker last week actually dipped it below 50 percent for the first time this season. I still think they'll sneak in, though, and I'll say they will play SIX or SEVEN games. If I can only give you one answer, it's seven (7). Good taste of playoff experience and close enough to shocking the world and making it to the second round to leave them super, stomach-is-growling-at-10am hungry for more next season.

I am not giving Drummond a max contract this summer! Heh. No, but seriously, I am max comfortable with it. 88. (Fun random fact: Did you know that Alexey Shved wore jersey numbers 1 and 88? Only player in NBA history. I found it in trying to come up with a less pedantic and boring answer than the one I gave you.)

If I were to compare each player in the current rotation to an alcoholic beverage, it probably wouldn't go as you'd expect or as you would do it yourself so I think everyone should answer this question in the comments below.

Here's my take:

Andre Drummond: Scotch, because it needs to be aged a min three years and it will ultimately be, and for, the best and wisest and most sophisticated rebounder, and it will put hair on your chest (and shoulders)

Marcus Morris: Tropical cocktail (with the umbrella), because he's strong, confident and a little... different. He shares a bank account with his twin brother, so yeah.

Stanley Johnson: Redbull and vodka - loooooose young one, but sometimes too out of control.

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope: Whiskey sour, because he can make you feel so good and yet so sour; he's so polarizing.

Reggie Jackson: White Russian, because no matter what Drummond gets this summer, Jackson's the Dude that brings this whole team together. A real try-harder who wears gloves on the bench because his hands are always poured over ice.

Tobias Harris:  Quality beer, because do I really need to say why? I love quality beer!

Aron Baynes: Jager, because he just looks and is surnamed like someone who would crush some Jager bombs.

Steve Blake: Gin and tonic, because he's old, sometimes unwinding, and also polarizing. He also might start a fight.

Okay, that's it for me. I'm starting to turn the corner into hangover, so let's hear from you in the comments.