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Meet the esteemed faculty of the new (fake) Detroit Pistons high school

How would Blake Griffin fare as a high school science teacher? Would Andre Drummond make for a better principal or gym teacher?

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The All-Star break isn’t just for players and coaches to catch up on sleep, family time, and Netflix specials as the basketball-siesta grants us diligent NBA bloggers an opportunity to do the same.

Unfortunately, for you, that means you’re getting the snicklefritz content this week. If you feel duped or click-baited in any way, then from the bottom of my heart, I sincerely apologize.

There is a ray of sunshine, though. If you seek in-depth Pistons-strategic talk, you’re still in the right spot. Below are links to a handful of ICYMI film sessions from pre-All-Star Game.

This, this, that, over here, that, this, here, this guy, and way over here too. There is enough film in those links to keep us all fat and happy over the extended break. Or you can relive my only pre-season forecast that came true. Yeah, as a rule of thumb, take my basketball predictions with a grain of salt, they’re not worth much. I do, however, shine as a Monday morning point guard.

If you’re still reading, here’s the deal - there is a new high school opening in Downtown Detroit and I’ve been assigned the unenviable task of identifying the correct talent to fill each faculty opening. This means I’ve got to find a principal, math teacher, bus driver, etc. all before the first bell of the new school year next fall. The kicker? These spots must be filled by people associated with the Detroit Pistons organization. How did I get myself into this mess?!

Who would be the best science teacher?

Which player would make a worthy high school Athletic Director?

Could Andre Drummond thrive in the role of school nurse?

Below, the brief job descriptions my boss provided will be in bold font and, from there, I’ll use a combination of the players’ (and others associated with the team) personalities, off-court endeavors, on-court tendencies, social media accounts, and everything in-between to staff these openings to the best of my ability.

Now, if you’re still reading, may I ask why?

Meet the proud faculty of DPHS

Principal: The head honcho I’m looking for is equal parts Crazy Joe Clark and Mr. Belding; a demanding, not demeaning type.

The slam dunk candidate is Blake Griffin as the All-Star oozes natural unforced authority. He’s articulate enough to present and share contemporary thoughts with students, parents, and colleagues, yet witty enough to stay one step ahead of the class clowns. Griffin wouldn’t be mad, just severely disappointed, that you skipped out on study hall. Instead of an assigning a lame detention for the study hall truancy, Griffin would calmly detail why it was a bad idea and highlight the parts of your poor decision that, maybe, you didn’t consider. Then he’d make you do push-ups. Then give you a hug.

Here, come into my office and have a seat Mr. Sean Corp, let’s talk about your recent actions:

Custodian: There is a strong implied trust with this position. Keys to every locked door in the building is not something to be handed out to just anyone.

On the court, Zaza Pachulia is known for doing the dirty work so it seems like it an easy transition into DPHS’s lead janitor. It’s a thankless position, but I don’t think that would deter Zaza from his duties. He’d work at a slower pace and stop to chit-chat with the wrestling team now and then, but the job is going to get done. Don’t litter on Zaza’s sacred grounds and he’ll gladly open the gym for you to get shots up before school starts. He definitely keeps a cot in the maintenance room for catnap purposes.

Gym teacher: I need a relatable and lively personality who can pry these static kids away from their phone and onto the kickball field.

Mr. D, as the kids call him, settles all debates via tug-o-war:

He wins most debates.

Mr. D treats the kids as adults and values their opinions - “Hey fellas, give this a listen and let me know what you think”. Hell, I’ll try and chip in when I can.

Guidance Counselor: Life experiences > fancy degrees. I’d like someone who has seen some things, slept in dumpsters and/or got high with kings.

Ish Smith will argue like he’s right, but listen like he’s wrong. He’d dole out advice the kids don’t necessarily want to hear, but need to hear. Smith is relatable to the students in both size and circumstance as his story is an inspiration to all of us here at DPHS. Mr. Smith’s favorite saying? “You can’t rush trust”.

Science teacher: High-energy and innovative. Our budget, unfortunately, is a bit low so this candidate’s ability to teach with minimal supplies is necessary. BYOB - bring your own beakers.

Personally, I hated any variation of science class and hardly ever paid attention. The only way I’d even give it a chance was if the teacher forced me to get involved:

If all high school science was presented in such an animated and informative way like above, who knows, maybe I’d be in a medical lab right now trying to find a cure for smallpox instead of wasting precious brain power on this dumb article. I’ve got our guy, though:

The Dancing Usher.

Nurse: There is only one cure for upset tummies and arbitrary nose bleeds: humor! Anything above a high-fever is also above the pay grade.

If you’re just looking for someone to take care of random day-to-day bumps and bruises while putting a smile on the faces of our children then Hooper is your guy/gal:

His/her resume speaks for itself.

Art teacher: Genuine originality is preferred, but the ability to extract creativity from distracted or uninterested teenagers is an absolute must.

The NBA’s (overdue) decision to ‘Make Shoes Fun Again’ might be Langston Galloway’s personal 2018-19 MVP. Galloway’s custom-made kicks is a clear passion, and it’s that kind of legitimate adoration that translates well with dubious students. In Mr. Galloway’s class, the only limitation is your imagination:

I don’t know ‘bout them Toy Story kicks, though.

Librarian: A yearning for continuous knowledge, a dedication to organization, and a desire to help those who wish to be helped.

The coaching profession, especially on an NBA level, demands for constant evolution of thought processes. For example, if you’re not shot spectrum-ing these days then you’re not doing 2019 properly. The same kind of modern-day ingenuity is asked of librarians. Sure, the Dewey Decimal System might’ve been the library’s go-to organizational method of choice for decades, but I’m certain, with today’s technologies, there are more efficient ways.

Dwane Casey is the easy choice for Librarian.

English teacher: An aficionado of the written word who embraces the personalization of each individual writer.

Rod Beard, the Detroit News’ beat writer for the Pistons, seems like an ideal fit. Not only is Beard’s real life profession in-line with our curriculum, but he also owns an entrepreneurial flair that maybe our kids haven’t witnessed before.

Ok class, #StartWriting.

Substitute teacher: Part-time position. Must be familiar with the inner-workings of VCRs and other time-wasting media-playing devices.

“I’ve got two questions and two questions only. What time do I have to be there? What time is lunch? What time are we done for the day? Why are these letters connected? Cursive? Haha, that’s stupid - is it a millennial thing? Do I have to eat that apple? Ugh, I hate vegetables. Oh look, a piece of candy.” - Tom Gores

History teacher: Must be able to make past come alive through the art of storytelling.

For a professional hoopster, 37-years-old means you’ve been retired for a while now. Jose Calderon is so old (how old is he?!) he could probably retell the Spanish Inquisition from firsthand knowledge. As a hidden billionaire, he’ll also be able to pony up for museum field trips that would otherwise get nixed by the stingy school board.

Math teacher: Teaching mathematics is a calling, not a job. Must eat, drink, and sleep all things math.

If you’re light on the Sammy Gelfand bio, take a look. In short, Gelfand is the Pistons director of pocket protection analytics and the leader of our math department. I guarantee he’d treat his class like a “team” and hand out end-of-the-year awards like MVM (Most Valuable Mathematician) or MIM (Most Improved Mathematician).

Somewhere in his room will be the “Mathematics of Teamwork” poster. It goes something like this: “Great teamwork divides the effort, adds to the efficiency, subtracts selfishness, and multiples rewards” and he’d slowly point to it when a student steps out of line.

Home Economics teacher: Pragmatic, solutions-based mindset who can identify the most important traits of a healthy living space.

Vince Ellis’ just-the-facts style of reporting will provide these kids the essential basics and know-how to fix a flat, scramble an egg, or balance a checkbook. At worst, he knows the top spots for BBQ which is always useful:

(Rod Beard - you are NOT the backup for this role)

Athletic Director: Wide-ranging sports background needed. Proven ability to multitask. Long hours. Must “schmooze” regularly with alumni.

In addition to being a star on the basketball court, Luke Kennard, a southpaw as he’s known in Detroit, was named Ohio’s Division II Offensive Player of the Year in 2013 after throwing for 2,331 yards and 26 touchdowns, with his right hand:

Kennard’s ambidextrous athletic background is a definite strength while his approachable and chummy personality makes for the perfect donation-hounding A.D.

Bus driver: I went to a small private high school on the eastside of metro-Detroit in which we had one bus and one bus driver. Anytime a bus was needed for a school function (sports, field trips, a.m. and p.m. drop off, etc.) there was only one man behind the wheel. This was his one job, and no one did it better. I’d like my driver to share a similar tunnel vision love for busses.

Wayne Ellington, Detroit’s recent trade deadline buyout addition, is here to do one thing: shoot three-pointers. At DPHS, he’s there to do one thing: drive the school bus. It’s too bad he won’t be made available until after Spring Break.

Secretary: Affable, spirited, and polite. First impressions are everything and this person will be the first face that all visitors will see, it should be a positive experience for everyone.

“Welcome to DPHS, how may I help you?” - Thon Maker

Music teacher: An appreciative ear for melody and soul. In-tune with the streets, but holds an affinity for all forms of lyrical history.

His ties to Bootleg, Shoestring, Backstabba and the rest of the Flint-area should earn James Edwards III the street credibility needed to teach such an influential course. Plus, he totally won me over with this take:

Wish us luck, it’s going to be a long year.

Thanks for sticking around and reading this nonsense during the break, hopefully it was better than twirling your thumbs waiting for Friday night’s Pistons/Hawks game. Look at it this way, it could’ve been worse, it could’ve been one of those played out LeBron James/Michael Jordan debates or something equally as dull. We all know LBJ is the GOAT any-damn-way.