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The idiot’s guide to being an idiotic Detroit Pistons fan

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A helpful resource compiled by a Pistons apologist tackling the toughest questions from Detroit’s critics

NBA: Memphis Grizzlies at Detroit Pistons Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

**Record scratch**

**Freeze frame**

Yup, that’s me, the Pistons apologist looking totally stupid. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.

Fair question.

To the uninformed or late-arrivals, there seems to be an angsty divide among the Pistons fanbase when discussing a variety of topics. Headlining the debate is a classic tension: tank and total rebuild vs. build from the middle out. But there are other sources of fierce debate — Andre Drummond, the most polarizing player in Detroit besides literally every Detroit Lion. Reggie Jackson might be a close second. Then there is how to take getting embarrassed on national television in round-one.

Today, I’m hoping I can help all the vastly superior intellects out there get down to my level. If you dumb yourself down enough, you might even end up learning something.

By no means are these full answers because I’d like to touch on as many topics as possible. If you want me to expand on a particular response, or feel I’m being eye-rolling irrational, simply leave your username and a brief but detailed message in the comment section and I’ll get back with you at my earliest convenience. I’ve also noticed most of the brilliant minds about basketball reside on Twitter.com. Just search for “Andre Drummond” and “lazy” and you’ll find a bunch of them. Those people can hit me up @M_James_Snyder.

Thanks for reading and enjoy the rest of your stay at DBB :)

The team has too many bad contracts. I’m sorry, but Jon Leuer is not worth $10 million per year. They’ve got to move him.

No shit, Sherlock. What gave it away? I hope all your resources weren’t completely depleted during such a rigorous and exhaustive investigation.

Let me get this straight: the front office has been here less than one year and you’re wondering why they cannot move a depressing contract like Leuer?

Psssst! Your revelation that Leuer has under-performed during his stay in Detroit is not a secret between you and me. All 29 other teams have access to the internet too.

Do you think Casey and the boys are screaming “Get back, get back, everyone get back, he’s ours!” in the parking lot? You’re picturing Ed Stefanski desperately wielding a Louisville slugger at a shrinking circle of rival GMs with zombie-like determination to attach themselves to an overpaid, poor-shooting stretch-four?

And I feel like a dick for saying that because Jon seems like a really good dude. But, yeah, I agree, he hasn’t performed up to the lofty deal.

Guess what?

The new guys inherited a financial mess from the old guys and, unlike proposing trades in sports talk radio La La Land, they cannot move Leuer for anything of value because, unfortunately, both teams must turn the key on a trade, you know, like launching missiles from a submarine.

The Leuer contract beefs, and similar financial complaints, made sense and were applicable a year ago under the old regime.

I’ve got no problem with, “SVG, you son-of-a-bitch!”, because that makes sense. You being mad at the new guys for not having solved the old guys’ failures doesn’t make sense yet.

So, Columbo, I’m going to have to overrule your objection. But watch yourself, counselor.

The best cure for the treadmill of mediocrity in the NBA is tanking. The Pistons need to rebuild by gutting the team of pricey contracts and replenish their talent pipeline with players that can actually win a championship. This is a scientific fact, and how can you argue otherwise?

What if it ... uhhh ... doesn’t work out?

After four or five years of tanking and investing heavily in the NBA Draft, what happens if the Pistons end up with Jahlil Okafor, Markelle Fultz, and Nerlens Noel clones instead of the Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons versions?

It’s an outcome much more in line with the NBA’s history of lottery-pick letdowns than some cargo cult pipe dream that ends with Zion Williamson (or the next Zion Williamson) soaring thru the lane in a home jersey at the LCA.

I don’t think the already apathetic fanbase would be to be too forgiving either.

If you think no one gives a shit now, which they don’t, wait until they trot a G-League squad out there for the next 400 or so games with no legit payoff.

At that point, we’re talking about how the Seattle Pistons should rebuild.

You’re not going to land on the moon without taking chances, I get it, but Processing is a numbers game and, historically, the NBA Draft is a fat-chance crapshoot.

Find a different moon, or at least a different route.

You’re good with having a 45-win ceiling every year?

And this, my DBB friends, is the root cause of the entire rebuild debate.

No, I’m not cool with walking into every season with only a mid-forty win total. More importantly, I’m not playing by Ricky Bobby’s rules either.

If you subscribe to the “if you’re not first, you’re last” theory then good for you, but that’s not how I fan. I’ve got a difficult time demanding ringzzz in an event that I hold zero meaningful influence over and because I’m choosing to watch these guys without a gun to my head.

In the non-binding agreement I have with the Detroit Pistons, if they play hard and stay out of jail then, for the most part, they have my support.

For me, it’s about the game of basketball, so why not support the local guys?

If that makes me an apologist in your eyes, or even a bad sports fan, call the cops because I’m doing 25 to life in whatever weird little fan jail you think I’m apparently destined for.

Out of curiosity, the all-or-nothing fan lifestyle doesn’t suck, what would you say, seven-percent of the time? Leaving, give or take, a 93-percent Miserable Experience Rate (MER)?

Sorry, I’m going to pass on:

I bet you’re a blast to watch the big game with.

In 2019, we’re still paying attention to third-grade-level rants about ringzzz and clutch genes? No one is contributing to any worthwhile conversation with the clever “Andre Drummond blows” insight. How has the Skip Bayless-era not jumped the shark yet and who are the people keeping these lazy takes in business? I bet it’s the same crowd who prefer slipping-on-a-banana-peel comedy because, you know, don’t have to think too much. I like the slapstick humor too, it has its place, but nothing is good 24/7.

In my ideal world, year in and year out, I want the Detroit Pistons to hover with the results of the 2018-19 Indiana Pacers had Victor Oladipo remained healthy.

Why?

It’s an alternative that doesn’t require rabbits’ feet, lottery balls, and a galaxy-wide prayer effort. An everyone-in-uniform Pacers squad this postseason would’ve been a migraine headache for the entire East and with a few more generous bounces, they could’ve been the sexy pick to come out of the East.

Put it this way, I’m good with a Pistons’ ceiling that occasionally flirts with being one timely move away from being a true contender. Sometimes it’s a season that ends with 43 wins and the seventh-seed and sometimes it’s 52 wins and the third-seed. But on those super-duper special occasions it’s 2004. Yup, there is going to be heartache and disappointment, but that’s how this works.

Do that and you have my full support.

If that’s not good enough then you should look into getting a tattoo of a championship ring around that pretentious and obnoxious finger of yours, no? That way you’ll always be a champion :)

All you do is come to Andre Drummond’s defense when he’s on a team that hasn’t won anything and he’s a total bum, and you’re saying I can’t criticize him?

Knock yourself out with Andre Drummond criticism, but I stop listening if any form of the following complaints pop up:

  • Body language doctor.
  • I’d just dunk every time if I was that big.
  • He doesn’t care.

Sorry, I do not engage with played-out and vanilla observations. Do yourself a favor and rid yourself of any preconceived notions you have on Drummond and start over from scratch.

Yes, he’s far from perfect, and overpaid too, but he’s no Leuer either.

Drummond is a good player who is rightfully chastised when he’s consistently not being great like his salary suggests.

Make no mistake, though, that’s the only range to choose from, he’s a low-good to low-great player. If you’re talking somewhere between poor and average, that’s an automatic mute button, maybe even a block button depending on my mood.

They’re getting smoked in the playoffs and everyone is laughing at us, aren’t you embarrassed?

Hold on, hold on, stop everything. You mean to tell me the national media is using Detroit as the butt of their collective joke?!

I’m shocked!

Shut the site down. We’re in such foreign territory, stay strong everyone.

Isiah Thomas and Joe Dumars are rolling over in their gave at the thought of giving one single fuck about the opinions of the national media. I promise you’ll survive.

Look, all, at the end of the day, we’re on the same team so let’s make this easy, just agree with me and everyone wins :)

Any more question?