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NBA Trade Deadline: What Troy Weaver might say if he traded every player on the roster

The Detroit Pistons are involved in every trade rumor so we might as well imagine everyone is getting traded

NBA: Preseason-New York Knicks at Detroit Pistons Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

The NBA trade deadline is a little over 24 hours away. Trade rumors are swirling, big names are on the block and somehow the rebuilding Detroit Pistons are being mentioned with most of them. You wanna ship out Aaron Gordon? The Pistons are listening. Ready to cut bait on upcoming free agent Victor Oladipo? He’s a Weaver kind of player. Not comfortable committing $100 million to John Collins or Jarrett Allen? Weaver is not so shy.

We didn’t give the new Pistons GM the nickname Troy Reaper for nothing. He’s traded or released every player he inherited except for poor Sekou Doumbouya, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable if I were him until a few hours past the deadline. He says he is always aggressive and he works until his clip is empty.

With that in mind, and because I’m at the phase in quarantine where I’m rewatching all the original Star Trek movies, I feel like I can mind meld with Weaver. I’d like to think I understand him on a cellular level. I’m also a PR professional, and I know what it means to make up quotes for extremely important people to put in news releases.

I thought I’d put those powers to use to help prep the fan base for tomorrow’s trade deadline. Also, it’s still much more likely than not that the fireworks are minimal, hate to break it for you, so this is about as close to wish fulfillment as the tear it all down crowd is going to get. And if Weaver does surprise with a trade, we’ll see how close I hit the mark.

I’m going to list all the players on the Detroit Pistons roster starting with the player most likely to be traded and work my way down.

Wayne Ellington

“Wayne has been a tremendous professional in Detroit and while we’re sad to lose him, it’s a testament to his abilities that so many contenders were interested in adding him,” Weaver said. “We thank Wayne for his veteran leadership and helping our young players understand what it takes to succeed in this league.”

Delon Wright

“Delon did everything asked of him and more, but we felt like we had some young guys we wanted to take a closer look at at both guard positions,” Weaver said. “He helped set the standard as a floor general and we’re excited to see Killian and Dennis and Saben in that role showing what they’ve learned about running an offense and communicating defensively.”

Mason Plumlee

“It was extremely difficult to trade Plumlee, but we felt we had an offer on the table that helped us now and into the future and decided to pull the trigger. Plumlee was integral to our ability to run our offense and anchored our defense, and his loss will be tough. We believe Isaiah Stewart is ready for a larger role and this opens up an opportunity for Sekou, and we look forward to him seizing that opportunity.”

Rodney McGruder

“Rodney always put his head down and did the work, and every time he stepped on the floor he contributed in a positive way. We’re glad he now gets to go to [insert team] to compete for a title.”

Deividas Sirvydis

“He was ... definitely a Detroit Piston. Signing him to a multi-year contract was definitely something I wanted to do because I felt like it was a good decision for the franchise. Sorry to see him go but .... bye.”

Josh Jackson

“Josh really blossomed here as a person and a professional, and I’m extremely confident he’ll continue to grow and have success in [insert city],” Weaver said. “It’s hard to trade anybody, but especially a guy like Josh who you grow so close to and want to see flourish. But sometimes you have to make really hard choices.”

Dennis Smith Jr.

“The fact is, Dennis showed in his short time here, he belongs in the NBA and deserves big minutes at the point guard position. With Killian coming back and a need to get Saben more time, we felt like we couldn’t give him the minutes he’d earned,” Weaver said. “This deal offers Dennis a chance to further establish himself in the league on a winning team.”

Jahlil Okafor

“Jah has been a tireless worker in Detroit, and we thank him for everything he put on the floor, in the practice gym, the weight room and the film room. He’s worked hard to get healthy after his injury. This move allows us to balance our rotation a bit, get younger and keep developing for the future.”

Sekou Doumbouya

“We never doubted Sekou’s commitment to getting better every single day, and I think he’s going to keep growing as a player. We would only let go of someone like Sekou if we felt we were getting an impact player in return, and [insert player] can guard multiple positions and we are confident in giving him a larger offensive role.”

Jerami Grant

“We brought Jerami to Detroit because we believed he could be a star. More importantly, Jerami believed that about himself and he put the work in. I always said never say never, and when [insert team] gave us the opportunity to add so much to our future, we couldn’t turn it down,” Weaver said. “We believe with multiple picks and with players like [insert young player] and [insert young player], the Pistons are well positioned to build a contender sooner rather than later.”

Frank Jackson/Saben Lee

“We got a great look at our two-way players this year, and both showed that they belong in the NBA. But our rotation was full and you have to give up something to get something in the NBA.”

Killian Hayes/Isaiah Stewart/Saddiq Bey

You don’t trade a young player like [Killian/Isaiah/Saddiq] unless you feel like you’re getting a young, immediate impact player in return. I wanted Pat Williams, damn it, and I got Pat Williams.”

Hamidou Diallo

“I don’t even think it was legal to trade Hami. Troy Reaper strikes again.”