Official NBA Hair Measurements from left: Jalen Green, Evan Mobley, Cade Cunningham
In case you didn't hear, the Detroit Pistons got the first pick in the 2021 NBA Draft. The most likely draft result is that Troy Weaver will do a lot of boring work evaluating the top draft candidates, determine that our best option is to pick Cade Cunningham at #1, and do so.
This post is not to talk about that (likely, but boring) scenaio.
This is to list a bunch of
ridiculous absurd controversial extremely-likely reasons for NOT picking Cade #1, in roughly descending order of probability.
Why not pick Cade at #1?
- Weaver does his due diligence and determines that another prospect is best-in-class, and picks them #1.
- Weaver falls in love with another prospect, trades down, and picks them while also picking up additional value in picks or players.
- Pistons determine that Cade is definitely the #1 pick, but unfortunately he gets hit by a bus between now and the draft, so we pick someone else.
- Weaver plays a game of pick-up soccer a few days before the draft, gets a concussion, and picks someone other than Cade at #1 by accident.
- The NBA discovers that the draft was actually rigged for Detroit (by Boourns). Despite Boourns' protestations of innocence, the NBA re-does the draft, and we get the #2 pick, and someone else picks Cade #1.
- Bouknight has some really damning blackmail material on Weaver, and really wants to go to Detroit. To avoid release of the secrets, Weaver trades down to pick up additional first round picks and picks Bouknight with the first one. Bouknight discovers that it was not a great career move to join a team whose GM you have been blackmailing, and Detroit is sad because their top pick turns out not to be very smart.
- Cade shaves his head, showing that he doesn't care about playing defense. Detroit picks someone else.
- The NBA discovers that the draft was rigged by Detroit's front office. Despite all their protestations of innocence, Detroit is stripped of all their 2021 draft picks. In June of 2024 it is discovered that the draft actually WAS rigged, but by Houston, who moved into the top pick after Detroit lost their picks. The league utterly fails to sufficiently compensate Detroit for this blunder. DETROIT VS EVERYBODY
- On draft night, Weaver attempts to pick Cade at #1, but Kevin Sawyer intercepts the pick before it reaches the commissioner and replaces it with a pick for Mobley. Despite the protestations of "wait, we were trying to pick Cade!" by Detroit, the commissioner declares the official ruling of "no take-backs", and Detroit gets Mobley at #1.
- When Cade comes to Detroit for his pre-draft workout, the Pistons discover that he has been wearing ultra-realistic gloves for years to make his hands look bigger, but in reality he has baby hands. We pick someone else with #1.
- The DBB staff continue to post articles about how it isn't a sure thing that we'll take Cade #1, and the commenters waste so much time and energy fighting in the comment sections about Cade is obviously either the greatest prospect since LeBron or the biggest bust since Darko, that Cade is alarmed that there is something in the Detroit water supply that drives people nuts, cancels his workout with the Pistons, holds a bunch of press conferences about how he hates Detroit and only wants to play for Houston, and Gores, uncertain how to market Cade after that, forces Weaver to pick someone else.
What other extremely likely scenarios in which we do not pick Cade #1 have I missed? Post them in the comments, then waste time and energy either extolling a scenario that had not occurred to you before but is now obviously in need of discussion, or lambasting a scenario that is just crazy talk because *insert reasons here*.